The Suckiness Saga II
by Jumi
Summary: The sequel to the greatest story ever told... actually, this one is probably better, with more characters, more action, more jokes, and at least 25% more Sephiroth!


The Suckiness Saga II

The Suckiness Saga II  
by  
Robert Silvers

Chapter 1: Home Cookin' 

*Altima and the gang (Rafa, Malak, Worker 8, Umaro, Dan, Gogo, the battered and bruised [and human, for now] Edward, and Vicks and Wedge) return to Riovanes*   
Altima: DAMN! WE LOST AGAIN!   
Rafa: What did you expect?   
Malak: It was a horrible plan.   
Altima: SILENCE! DO NOT QUESTION THE HOLY AJORA, THE SON OF GOD!   
Dan: Geez, boss. I want to be a real fighter.   
Altima: Anyway, let's cook up some more schemes... *notices a girl at the top of the stairs* Hey! Who're you? Get out of here!   
*The girl says nothing, and just stares blankly*   
Altima: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 

I don't know.   
or   
Using this castle as... 

Girl: Using this castle as a killing ground for my enemies.   
Altima: I don't care! Get out of here!   
Girl: No.   
Altima: Vicks... Wedge... GET HER!   
*Vicks and Wedge slowly approach the girl. Suddenly...*   
Vicks: My leg! A bear trap!   
*A huge boulder falls on Vicks, killing him*   
Rafa: Oh my god, she killed Vicks!   
Malak: You bastard!   
*Wedge approaches, and is hit in the face by gas*   
Wedge: Wha-? I can't see! I can't move! HELP!   
*Wedge is speared with an arrow of fire which came from the wall*   
Rafa: Oh my god-   
Dan: She killed Wedge!   
Edward: You... bastard... uh...   
Altima: SILENCE! ENOUGH OF THIS! WORKER 8, GET HER!   
Worker 8: ERROR 404! DNS SERVER DOES NOT EXIST!   
*Worker 8 approaches her, and is drawn to the wall by a magnet*   
Worker 8: YOU HAVE MAIL!   
*Another wall crushes Worker 8*   
Edward: Oh my god!   
Malak: She killed Worker 8!   
Altima: YOU BASTARD! GET OUT OF HERE!   
Girl: I'm Millenia. The Timenoids want you dead.   
Altima: I DON'T CARE! DIE!   
*Altima casts DeBarrier*   
Millenia: Huh? What did that do?   
Altima: Damn!   
Malak: Untruth Space Dragon Beltback something-or-other!   
*Malak's spell hits to Millenia's left, her right, behind her, and then hits Edward*   
Edward: Ugh. That smarts.   
Rafa: Truth Love Peace Hippy Asura!   
*Rafa's spell hits her, Altima, Milennia, then her again*   
Rafa: Damn.   
Milennia: I must leave now. The Timenoids await.   
*Milennia disappears*   
Altima: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!   
Rafa: She seems to have used are castle in our absence.   
Altima: Who the hell are you now, Red XIII?   
Dan: *examining Worker 8* Worker 8 is hurt... bad. Can anyone reprogram him? Oh... yeah... and   
Vicks and Wedge are dead, too.   
Malak: I took some computer programming in High School. I might be able to fix him... somewhat.   
Rafa: I'll help.   
Altima: Good. Get to work! Edward, Dan, Umaro, Gogo, you guys come with me. We have schemes to cook up. Mwa ha ha!   
Umaro: Unghaaaa!   
Altima: On second though, you guard the gates, Umaro.   
Umaro: Unghaaaa'h!   
Gogo: Unghaaaa'h!   
Umaro: Unga! Don't mimic! Ughaaaah!   
Gogo: Uh... I'm not even gonna bother.   
Altima: CEASE THIS INSOLENCE AND COME WITH ME! NOW!   
*They leave* 

To be continued... 

Chapter 2: Turkey Time 

*At the Villa Cloud, the dining room is empty, except for Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, and Sephiroth*   
Aeris: So, Cloud, how did you like my turkey dinner?   
Cloud: It was okay, I guess.   
Tifa: What about *my* turkey?   
Cloud: It was good too.   
Sephiroth: I liked your turkey, Aeris.   
Aeris: Thanks, Seph.   
Tifa: Didn't you like my turkey?   
Sephiroth: I didn't get to get any of it. Barret and Cloud hogged it all down.   
Cloud: I was hungry.   
*Cid enters*   
Cid: Yo... anybody want to watch Dukes with me?   
Cloud: No thanks, Cid. I'm going to go play Ehrgeiz.   
Sephiroth: I bet you can't defeat me, Cloud.   
Cloud: You're on!   
*In the living room, Barret and Sabin are watching football, and Vincent is lounging against a wall*   
Cid: You mind if I watch Dukes?   
Barret: Later, foo'! I be watching football.   
*Setzer enters*   
Setzer: Oh, come on, I wanna watch Dukes too.   
Barret: Shut ya hole, foo'! Me and Sabin be watchin' football!   
Sabin: Yeah. It's Thanksgiving.   
Cid: Dammit! Stop hogging the !@#$ing TV! DAMN, I'm pissed!   
Setzer: Oh, come on. You can catch the highlights on Sports Center.   
Sabin: I'll tell ya what. We'll flip a coin for it.   
Setzer: Oh, no. I know that trick!   
Cid: !@#$! I wanna watch Dukes! What about you, Vincent?   
Vincent: Football is a metaphor for life. It symbolizes the brutality of the modern world. On the other hand, Dukes symbolizes man's eternal struggle against authority.   
Setzer: That's the craziest damn thing I've ever heard!   
Cid: C'mon, Barret... let us watch Dukes!   
Barret: I said no, foo'! I mean it!   
Cid: Well, !@#$! C'mon, Setzer. I guess we can go watch it in my airship.   
Setzer: Cool. We'd better get going. I don't want to miss the opening song.   
*Red XIII enters*   
Red XIII: Pardon me, but has anyone thought that Altima might be launching another scheme to take over the world?   
Barret: Shut ya hole! We be watchin' football!   
Vincent: Altima symbolizes man's eternal goal to better themselves.   
Red XIII: That's it. I'm outta here. See you guys later.   
*Meanwhile, at Riovanes*   
Altima: So, has anyone got any ideas?   
Edward: Um... well, we could summon up the rest of the Lucavi that Ramza destroyed.   
Dan: Or, we could raise your public image to get the public on your side.   
Altima: Hmm... you two have been thinking. I like both ideas. Get on it.   
Edward: I'll go get the Zodiac Stones. Gogo, come!   
Gogo: I'll go get the Zodiac Stones. Gogo, come!   
Edward: Stop mimicking me, you fool!   
Dan: I'll go try to book some interviews or something.   
Altima: Good. I'll sit here and scheme.   
*Edward, Gogo, and Dan leave*   
Altima: Malak, Rafa, GET IN HERE!   
*Malak and Rafa come running*   
Malak: Yes sir?   
Altima: How's Worker 8 coming?   
Malak: Well... heh heh... interesting story... heh...   
Altima: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?   
Rafa: We weren't familiar with his program, so we had to improvise...   
Altima: Improvise? Uh oh.   
Malak: We didn't know how to reprogram his logic circuits, so we...   
Altima: Yes? SPIT IT OUT!   
Rafa: ...installed MegaHAL.   
Altima: Oh, god no!   
Malak: He's working fairly well, though. Just watch what you say around him. He's... a moogle-obsessed Hentai.   
Altima: Why me?   
*Rafa leads Worker 8 in*   
Worker 8: HIYA, HAL!   
Altima: Silence, nitwit! I'm not HAL.   
Worker 8: NIT WIT IS A WIT TAT IS NIT   
Altima: Stop with those accursed Daravonisms!   
Rafa: He repeats what he's heard...   
Altima: At least you didn't install the Cait Sith version.   
Worker 8: CAIT SITH IS A CAT. KETT SHEE. REEVE IS THE PRESIDENT OF SHINRA.   
Altima: Damn it. Get it out of here.   
*Rafa and Malak lead Worker 8 out*   
Altima: Oh, well. Soon, with my Lucavi brethren, I will once again dominate this pitiful world! Mwa ha ha ha!!! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 3: Zodiac Stones, Runes, and Luck Plus Materia 

*At the Villa Cloud, Cloud and Sephiroth are engaged in a heated bout of Ehrgeiz. Cloud is randomly beating the buttons while Sephiroth is smoothly executing combos*   
Cloud: Noooo!!! Not again! That's fifty-four times in a row you've beaten me! Aaaarrrggghhh!!!   
Sephiroth: Hey, Cloud, did you just see my mad skillz?   
Cloud: Damn! How'd you do dat?   
Seph: It's a gift.   
*Aeris walks up*   
Aeris: Mind if I play, guys?   
Cloud: Sure. Be my guest. You can take my place.   
Aeris: Cool. I've never played this before, by the way.   
Sephiroth: Let's go.   
*A few minutes later...*   
Aeris: Yay! I won!   
Sephiroth: Ha. You beat me. Congratulations.   
Cloud: WHAT?!?! There is no way! Sephiroth, you let her win!   
Sephiroth: How could you accuse me of that! She won fair and square! You're just jealous.   
Cloud: But... ah... uh... it's not possible...   
Aeris: Don't worry, Cloud. I'd be happy to give you lessons.   
Cloud: Ah... uh... um...   
*Back at Riovanes*   
Dan: Boss! I'm back! And I brought someone to interview and raise your public image! Meet Julie Moran! You're going to be on Entertainment Tonight!   
Altima: Good work, Dan! You deserve a bonus! Let me just write it down here... I seem to have misplaced my notepad. Oh, well, I'm sure I'll remember...   
Julie Moran: Hi, Altima. Nice to meet you. We'll start the interview shortly.   
Worker 8: ALASTER HAS GOOD TIMES IN BED WITH MARLE!   
Malak: Oops! Get back here, Worker 8! Sorry, boss!   
*Elsewhere in Ivalice, Edward and Gogo are futilely trying to sneak around Igros, where Ramza and his comrades have made their base*   
Edward: Now, remember, Gogo... we get the Zodiac Stones and get out of here! Got it?   
Gogo: Got it?   
Edward: Shut up, you damn mimic! Now, let's sneak behind that chair, and wait for Ramza to come in...   
*They expertly sneak behind a chair*   
Gogo: FFT Solid: Tactical Espionage Action!   
Edward: Silence, twit!   
*Ramza comes in*   
Ramza: Boy, I sure am tired. I'll just conveniently sit down in this chair...   
Edward: *quietly* Now, Gogo!   
*Gogo snatches a small pouch off of Ramza's belt*   
Gogo: *quietly* Here we go!   
Edward: *quietly* Good job. How'd you learn to steal like that?   
Gogo: *quietly* I mimicked Locke.   
*Edward opens the pouch*   
Edward: WHAT?! These are worthless fossils!   
Ramza: Hey! What are you doing back there? And what are you doing with my fossil collection?   
Edward: Um... we're trying to steal the Zodiac Stones... here's your worthless fossils... *pitches the fossil bag to Ramza*   
Gogo: Meanwhile, I've got the real pouch! Bwa ha ha!!!   
Edward: Excellent, Gogo!   
Ramza: But that's not...   
Edward: Silence! *opens the bag* DAMN! THIS IS ALL GIL! Where are those damn Zodiac Stones?   
Ramza: Someone else stole them.   
Edward: What? Who?   
Ramza: Some guy with black hair and a white coat.   
Edward: Damn! Altima's gonna be pissed!   
Ramza: You can have this materia Cloud gave me for my birthday if you want... *tosses Edward a piece of materia*   
Edward: Thanks! What a minute! This is Luck Plus materia! That's the most useless materia in the game!   
Ramza: Eh, that's all I've got.   
Edward: C'mon, Gogo! Let's get out of here!   
*They teleport out*   
*Outside Igros*   
Edward: What are we gonna do? Altima will dismember us if we don't have those Zodiac Stones!   
Gogo: What if we take him some materia... I mean, good materia, of course.   
Edward: That's a good idea... but we'd never be able to steal from Cloud and his cronies. They're too powerful.   
Gogo: We could steal something similar to materia... like Runes!   
Edward: Excellent! The Castle of Toran! Come!   
*They teleport to Kaku*   
Gogo: Why didn't you teleport to Toran?   
Edward: This is Suikoden. You can't teleport to places you've never been before.   
Gogo: You've been to Kaku?   
Edward: It was a long time ago... don't ask.   
Gogo: I won't.   
*They stroll down to the boat docks*   
Edward: Where's the damn boat?   
Villager: The boat's out. You can't go to Toran, unless you swim. And only one person's been able to do that.   
Edward: We can't swim all that way!   
Villager: Tough! Then you'll have to wait for a new boat.   
Edward: How long will that take?   
Villager: I dunno.   
Edward: Gogo, how are we going to swim all the way over there?   
Gogo: I dunno. Flippers?   
Edward: That's a great idea! We'll go buy some from Zora! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 4: Up Crap Creek 

*In Hyrule*   
Edward: Well, here we are... let's go get them flippers!   
Gogo: Where are they at?   
Edward: Zora has them. We have to wade around the stream to get them.   
Gogo: But... I'm afraid of water!   
Edward: No, you're not!   
Gogo: Oh, yeah... I forgot.   
Edward: Let's go!   
*Up the river*   
Gogo: DAMN! Tell these freakin' Zoras to stop shooting at us!   
Edward: How does he expect to sell anything with all these enemies around? I'll try to put them to sleep.   
*Edward plays his harp and sings. The Zoras begin to pass out*   
Gogo: It seems to be working... *yawn*   
Edward: Get up, you fool! Now, quietly, while they're asleep.   
Gogo: Okay.   
*Back at Riovanes*   
Julie Moran: So, Altima, tell us about yourself.   
Altima: Well, first off, I'm as old as time itself. Don't speak to your elders like that. Call me Lord Altima, Your Highness, O Master, or something with a tone of respect to it.   
JM: Okay, Lord Altima. Tell us about yourself.   
Altima: Well, I was the final boss in Final Fantasy Tactics. Now I'm branching out and trying to take over various other video game universes as well.   
JM: Are you single?   
Altima: Why, yes I am. Are you interested?   
JM: Ha! Not on your life! I just thought the viewers might want to know.   
Altima: Anyway, I'm now using my powerful army to take over various worlds.   
JM: But... doesn't your army suck.   
Altima: No. That is totally incorrect.   
JM: Some people have even said that *you* suck.   
Altima: THAT IS A LIE! I DO NOT SUCK! I am the son of god! I am the Holy Ajora! Just because T.G. Cid gets in one lucky shot, I suddenly suck?! This is blasphemy!   
JM: What about Beowulf?   
Altima: That was wrong! Drain is not supposed to take off 864 hit points! That was a glitch!   
JM: What about Agrias... or Mustadio?   
Altima: Enough of this! Stop insulting me! Get out of here! Dan, you'll pay for this!   
Dan: *gulp*   
JM: Fine, I'm leaving. You suck. *slaps Altima*   
*Julie Moran leaves*   
Altima: Grrrr! Damn, I'm pissed!   
Worker 8: Lao Tzu was a Greek Philosopher.   
Altima: Malak, Rafa, get that damn robot working! Dan, help them! I'm going to lie down. DAMN!   
Dan: What's wrong with him?   
Malak: That MegaHAL program is still glitching.   
Dan: I think I know what's wrong. Let's see... *fiddles around* There. It should be fixed. We should probably take him for a test drive, first, to make sure.   
Malak: Okay. Let's attack Cloud and his crew.   
Rafa: Cool. He's so... cute.   
Malak: Yeah, whatever.   
*Back at Zora's*   
Edward: Okay, Zora should be... here.   
Gogo: So, where is he?   
*The Emerald WEAPON rises from the depths*   
Edward: HOLY SHIT! It's the Emerald WEAPON! The baddest Square boss ever! Let's get out of here!   
Emerald: Wait! I'm not here to fight! I'm just filling in for Zora. He's on vacation. Us waterfolk have to look out for each other.   
Gogo: You don't want to... fight?   
Emerald: No. What do you guys want?   
Edward: Uh... you selling flippers?   
Emerald: Yeah.   
Edward: We need them.   
Emerald: That'll be 500 rupies.   
Edward: Rupies? What the hell?   
Emerald: Rupies are money in the Zelda world.   
Edward: We've only got, let's see... GP, Gil, Bits, Zenny, Goth... what's the Gil to Rupie conversion rate?   
Emerald: That'll be 500000 Gil!   
Edward: What?! That's outrageous!   
Emerald: You're lucky I'm even giving you this deal! Zora only likes Rupies. Maybe I should just Aire Tam Attack you instead...   
Edward: Ha! We don't have any materia!   
Emerald: Think you're better? Better get ready! Power to the masters? *Guns on Emerald's arms open up* Break it down!   
*Emerald starts blasting*   
Edward: Aaaarrrggghhh! All right, we'll pay!   
Emerald: That's better. 600000 Gil.   
Edward: You said 500000 Gil!   
Emerald: Think you're better? Better get ready...   
Edward: Never mind! Here it is!   
*Edward hands Emerald the money, and Emerald gives him the flippers*   
Gogo: It was hard, but we did it. We searched with faith, and managed to find Zora's falls. We paid the fee with faith, so we were able to obtain it. It was the flippers. So, this job's a success. This is the way!   
Edward: Shut up!   
Emerald: Pleasure doing business with you! Visit me if you're ever in the FFVII world. It gets so lonely...   
Edward: Whatever. Let's go.   
*Edward and Gogo walk out the same way they entered the Falls region*   
Gogo: Why don't we just teleport out of here?   
Edward: Plot point... wait for it...   
Voice: CEASE THIS INSOLENCE!   
Edward: What the-? Who are you?   
Voice: I AM... the great AGAHNIM!   
Edward: Who?   
Agahnim: The wizard. The enemy from A Link to the Past.   
Edward: Doesn't ring a bell...   
Agahnim: I kidnapped the Princess. Transported her to another world.   
Edward: Nope.   
Agahnim: *sigh* I was the drunk guy at Aeris' funeral.   
Edward: Oh! Yeah! The guy that kept telling dirty jokes!   
Agahnim: Yeah! Anyway, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY KINGDOM?   
Edward: Your kingdom? Link beat you. You really suck.   
Agahnim: I do, don't I? I can't do anything right. DAMN! I think I'll just go kill myself...   
Edward: Wait! I've got an idea!   
Agahnim: What?   
Edward: Let me kill you!   
Agahnim: That's your idea?! That's absurd!   
Gogo: Wait! I think he meant, our idea is for you to join us, and Altima.   
Agahnim: What's in it for me?   
Edward: A beating if you don't.   
Agahnim: What if I do?   
Edward: A beating from T.G. Cid.   
Agahnim: Uh... *looks at his watch* Okay. Who's T.G. Cid?   
Edward: Never mind. Let's get out of here.   
*They teleport away*   
*Meanwhile, at the Villa Cloud*   
*Sephiroth is watching Cloud play Ehrgeiz with Yuffie... and repeatedly lose*   
Sephiroth: Man, you suck.   
Cloud: Shut up! One more time, you spikey-haired thief, one more time!   
Yuffie: Like, you are so mean. I've only beat you fifteen times.   
Sephiroth: Just give it up, man. You've already lost to me, Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, and Marlene. Even Barret beat you, and he's only got one arm. Heck, even Red beat you, and he has paws!   
Cloud: Quiet... you!   
Sephiroth: This is pathetic.   
*The doorbell rings*   
Sephiroth: I'll get it.   
Cloud: You're going down, Yuffie! Yeah! Two hit combo, in your face!   
Yuffie: *sigh* You really do suck.   
Sephiroth: *opening door* Yeah?   
Dan: We've come... to... um, fight you, Sephiroth!   
Sephiroth: Please. *closes door*   
*Another knock*   
Sephiroth: *opens door* What is it this time?   
Dan: I mean it! Get out here!   
Sephiroth: You've got to be kidding. Me... against you?   
Dan: Yeah, and Rafa and Malak... and the new improved Worker 8!   
Sephiroth: Ho hum. All right. I'm bored. You got five minutes. Show me what you got. *steps outside*   
Dan: Ha-do-ken! *throws fireball, hitting Seph in the stomach*   
Sephiroth: *yawn* Was that supposed to hurt?   
Malak: Heaven Belt back Asura Dragon Kamehameha!   
*Bursts of energy hit behind Sephiroth, behind Dan, then hit Rafa and then Malak*   
Malak: Damn it!   
Rafa: Holy Heaven Asura Thunderzord Power!   
*Bursts of energy hit above Sephiroth, in front of Dan, behind Malak, and then hit Dan*   
Dan: Ouch!   
Sephiroth: I seriously hope you've got more than this.   
Dan: Worker 8, get him! Power up!   
*Worker 8 steps out and begins glowing*   
Sephiroth: What's he doing?   
Dan: Powering up! You've had it now! Speech time, Worker 8!   
Worker 8: Life, hope, dreams... where did they come from? Where are they headed? These things... I am going to put schlong.jpg on my website.   
Sephiroth: Ooo-kay.   
*Worker 8 shoots a gigantic, Dragon Ball Z type energy blast at Seph, which causes smoke and levels most of the city block*   
Dan: That's it! Sephiroth's dead! Yay!   
Sephiroth: Please. It takes more than that to kill me.   
Dan: NO! IT CAN'T BE!   
Sephiroth: Oh, but it is. Now... *pulls out Magic 8 Ball of Doom* Oh... heheheh... the classic...   
*teleports away*   
Dan: What the-?   
Malak: Uh oh.   
*Seph drops down and drives his sword clean through Worker 8*   
Worker 8: Y-young... m-m-master...? *dies*   
Sephiroth: Who's next?   
Dan: Aye chihuahua! Retreat!   
*Malak, Rafa, and Dan run*   
*Cloud comes through the door*   
Cloud: What happened?   
Sephiroth: Oh. Dan, Rafa, Malak, and Worker 8 decided to attack me. So I trashed Worker 8. Here he is.   
Cloud: We'd better call Ramza... 

To be continued... 

Chapter 5: I got a good feeling! 

*Ramza and Cloud, Sephiroth and Cid are standing around Worker 8's inactive "corpse"*   
Ramza: This is no good. Worker 8 is scrapped.   
Cloud: Seph, why'd you have to do that?   
Sephiroth: He attacked me. What was I supposed to do?   
Cloud: Oh, c'mon. It's Worker 8! You could have beaten him and the rest of the gang without chipping a nail!   
Seph: I guess you're right. It sure was fun, though.   
Ramza: I suppose we should get him back to Igros. Can we borrow your airship, Cid?   
Cid: !@#$! Okay... but you're paying for the gas!   
Cloud: It doesn't use gas.   
Cid: Who the !@#$ asked your spikey ass?   
*Meanwhile, at Kaku*   
Edward: There, old man, we finally got the flippers! Now we can swim to Toran! What do you have to say about that?!   
Villager: The boat's fixed now.   
Edward: D'oh! Well, anyhow, let's get in, get over there, and steal those Runes!   
*Edward, Gogo, and Agahnim hop into the boat*   
*Moments later...*   
Edward: Here we are... Toran.   
Qlon: Welcome to Toran Castle! I got a good feeling!   
Gogo: Daravonese... it's spreading!   
Agahnim: *grabs Qlon* Where are the runes, knave!   
Qlon: This is the way! *motions inside the castle*   
Gogo: Arrgh!   
Edward: So... kid... how did you get this job?   
Qlon: This job was a gift from God!   
Edward: Uh... yeah, sure.   
*They hop in the elevator, and go to the second story*   
Qlon: It was hard, but we found it!   
Edward: Thanks, kid! Here... *hands the kid 20 gil as a tip*   
Qlon: So, this job's a success! This is the way!   
*Qlon rides down the elevator*   
Edward: *to Gogo and Agahnim* Now, I know the vault keeper, Rock, so this shouldn't be too hard. *to Rock* Ho, Rock, how's it going?   
Rock: Who're you?   
Edward: Rock? You look... different...   
Rock: Do I know you? Anyway, do you have business in my vault?   
Edward: Uh... yeah... we met at Costa del Sol last summer.   
Rock: You must have me mistaken with the other Rock. He's on vacation. I'm Rock from Soul Blade. Anyway, do you have business in my vault?   
Edward: I thought you looked different. Anyway, we need the runes...   
Rock: You don't have clearance.   
Edward: GIMME THOSE DAMN RUNES!   
Agahnim: OR I'M GONNA OPEN A CAN!   
Rock: That's it. Time to pay! BANGOO!   
Bangoo: Yeah, Rock?   
Rock: Fetch my Great Axe!   
Bangoo: Okay, Rock.   
*Bangoo runs into the Blacksmith's forge, which is right next door, then returns lugging Rock's Great Axe*   
Rock: TIME TO PAY!   
*Elsewhere*   
Sephiroth: WHO THE HELL IS TALKING IN ALL CAPS?! THAT IS SO ANNOYING!   
Cloud: You were, just now.   
Sephiroth: I mean, besides me.   
Cloud: I don't know. Talking in all caps is annoying.   
*Back at Toran*   
Gogo: Oh, crap! Don't tell me he's gonna use that on us!   
Rock: BANGOO!   
Bangoo: What?   
Rock: Oh, nothing. Just doing my battle cry. Time to pay up!   
Edward: Crap!   
*Rock quickly dispatches our three anti-heroes, Edward, Gogo, and Agahnim. As Rock is about to deliver the fatal blow to all three (he's bad), Red XIII walks up the stairs.*   
Red XIII: Rock, I came to get my Seraph clip from the vaul- What in the name of Bugenhagen Winnington the Third is going on here?   
Rock: These three intruders tried to swipe some runes, and then insulted me! THEY DIE!   
Red XIII: Wait! Maybe you should just throw them in the jail downstairs.   
Rock: Only Sonya goes in there.   
Red XIII: Aren't you guys members of Altima's army?   
Edward: Yeah. You got sumpin' to say about it?   
Rock: Argh! Gangsta slang! BANGOO!   
Bangoo: Yeah?   
Rock: Nothing. Just my battle cry again.   
Red XIII: Come here, Rock.   
Rock: Yeah?   
Red XIII: *whispers* Maybe we should let them go. That way, I can find out what they're up to.   
Rock: Eh... okay.   
Red XIII: Let's act distracted. *acts distracted*   
*Meanwhile, Edward and Co. just sit there, waiting to die*   
Red XIII: *loudly* Gee, we are just SO DISTRACTED! I hope Edward and Gogo and Agahnim don't RUN AWAY!   
*Edward and Co. don't move*   
Red XIII: Damn! Edward, Gogo, Agahnim: GET OUT!   
Edward: ... Oh, okay.   
Gogo: We'll just mosey...   
*Edward and Co. leave*   
Red XIII: My, they sure are stupid.   
Rock: What do you expect? They suck.   
*Downstairs*   
Edward: Well, that was a colossal failure. Any more bright ideas, Gogo?   
Gogo: Let's steal Kirinji! Hee hee!   
Edward: Don't start mimicking annoying people!   
*A man walks in*   
Man: Is this Toran Castle?   
Edward: Last time I checked. Who're you?   
Man: I'm the great... uh, well, I don't know my rank, but I'm Kraze, and I've come to kill the Liberation Army's leader. Are you with the Liberation Army?   
Edward: No.   
Kraze: Well, then. *steps in elevator and goes to 4th floor*   
*Moments later, Kraze arrives back through the elevator, badly beaten*   
Edward: Good god! What happened?   
Kraze: Ugh... I... suck...   
Gogo: Join the club.   
Agahnim: Rock just annihilated us.   
Kraze: Well, three sucky characters are better than four. Mind if I join?   
Edward: But if you join, there will be four of us.   
Kraze: So?   
Edward: Sure. You can join. Just say the oath.   
Gogo: What oath?   
Edward: *to Gogo* Shhh! *to Kraze* I promise to uphold all of Edward's commandments, follow all his orders, and spit in the face of anyone that calls him spoony.   
Gogo: You spoony bard! That's not in the oath! We don't even have an oath!   
Edward: Don't... ever... call... me... SPOONY!   
Qlon: *pokes his head in the door* You spoony bard!   
Edward: GET OUT!   
*Qlon leaves*   
Kraze: So I'm in?   
Edward: Uh... yeah, sure. Now let's get out of here.   
*They head for the docks. On the way there...*   
Woman: I heard you guys... suck.   
Edward: Yeah. We suck. You don't have to broadcast it to the world.   
Woman: Uh... well, I suck too. Can I join? My name's Kimberly. I can forge stuff. I just can't do much else.   
Edward: Sure. Just say the oath.   
Gogo: Edward!   
Edward: Nevermind. Let's go.   
Kimberly: Cool! Just let me kiss Tai Ho goodbye. (Damn that Yam Koo!)   
*Kimberly goes into a small cabin, and returns in a few minutes*   
Edward: Well?   
Kimberly: He took it well. Let's go.   
Qlon: Get a good feeling! Bye bye spoony bard!   
Edward: Shut the !@#$ up, you little Daravoned piece of !@#$!   
Qlon: Have a nice day!   
*Edward teleports himself, Gogo, Agahnim, Kraze, and Kimberly away*   
*Meanwhile, at Igros*   
Ramza: Well, this is a fine mess.   
Mustadio: He can be repaired, but it will be difficult. I can fix the machinery, but I don't know anything about computer programming. Rafa and Malak did, but they're gone.   
Ramza: Eh, they sucked. I'll call Gariland and talk to the the Computer Instructor. *picks up phone and dials a number* Yeah... I need to speak to the Computer Instructor... I'll hold...   
Voice: Greetings and salutations! This is the way!   
Ramza: Professor Daravon?! You teach computer programming?   
Daravon: Off course! This job was a gift from God! Buzi is the chief talon crew!   
Ramza: Uh... yeah. Can you help us reprogram Worker 8?   
Daravon: Off course! I got a good feeling!   
Ramza: Cool. Then come on over. Thanks.   
Daravon: Off course! You are student tat are mine! *hangs up*   
Ramza: *hangs up the phone* That was THE weirdest phone conversation I've ever had. Anyway, Daravon will help us.   
Mustadio: He's gonna help... reprogram Worker 8?!   
Ramza: Oh my God! I just realized what that sentence sounds like strung together! NO!   
Cloud: Eh. It's too late now.   
Ramza: I guess you're right. And how bad a job could he possibly do?   
Sephiroth: I got a good feeling.   
Ramza: Crap. What have I done?   
Cloud: Well, we'll hang around here.   
Ramza: Why?   
Cloud: I dunno. Plot point.   
Sephiroth: Say, you got a Play Station around here?   
Ramza: Off course! D'oh!   
Sephiroth: Who wants a shot at THE MAN in Ehrgeiz?   
Cloud: One more time, you spikey-headed jerk! Let's go one more time!   
Sephiroth: You're the spikey-headed jerk.   
Cloud: Oh, yeah. 

To be continued... 

Chapter 6: This Zodiac Brave Are Sick 

*Outside Riovanes*   
Edward: What are we gonna do? We don't have the Zodiac Stones! Altima's gonna be pissed!   
Gogo: Well, we can't seem to get a decent substitute. I guess we'll just tell him the truth.   
Kraze: So, is this Altima a nice guy?   
Edward: Uh... no. Not really.   
Gogo: Not at all.   
Agahnim: So why do you work for him.   
Edward: We suck. And he sucks worst of all. Plus I figured it would be helpful in my master plan of reviving my nemesis Tellah.   
Kimberly: If he's your nemesis, why do you want to revive him?   
Edward: He called me spoony. I must kill him.   
Kraze: But he's already dead!   
Edward: Are you even listening? That's why I want to revive him! Anyway, I shouldn't have told you guys about it.   
Agahnim: Don't worry. I've already forgotten.   
Gogo: Anyway, the Zodiac Stones...   
Edward: Damn.   
Voice: Pssst!   
Edward: Huh?   
Voice: Over here!   
Agahnim: Who's that?   
Voice: You looking for the Zodiac Stones?   
Kraze: Maybe. You sellin'?   
Edward: Shut up! I'm in charge here! Uh... you sellin'?   
Voice: No, but I'll give them to you. Here. *tosses a small pouch at Edward's feet*   
Edward: *opens the bag* It's them all right. Thanks. What do you want in return?   
Voice: Nothing. This will be a wonderful experiment in itself. Bwa ha ha!   
Edward: Yeah... whatever. C'mon, gang. *they enter Riovanes*   
*Red XIII, who had been following Edward all along, emerges from the bushes and pounces at the mystery person*   
Red XIII: You! I should have known! You're going to jail!   
Voice: Uh... you can't send me to jail.   
Red XIII: Give me one good reason why not.   
Voice: It's not in the script. You aren't supposed to find out about me yet.   
Red XIII: *gets off of the mystery person* Damn. Stupid author.   
Booming voice: Time for you to DIE!   
*A bolt of lightning from the heavens strikes Red XIII down*   
Booming voice: Ha! Never insult me... uh, I mean, the author, again!   
Voice: Whatever. I'm not supposed to be in this scene. I don't come in until... later.   
Booming voice: THEN BEAT IT!   
Voice: Yes, sir!   
*Mystery person leaves*   
Booming voice: Hmm... I can't leave him like this...   
*A Phoenix Down floats down from the heavens, bringing Red XIII back to life*   
Red XIII: I learned my lesson. I love the author! Yay!   
*Red XIII leaves*   
*Back at Igros*   
Sephiroth: Man, you guys just can't beat my Mad Skillz!   
Cloud: Will you !@#$ing shut up about your Mad Skillz? Damn! Why can't I win?!   
Ramza: Face it, Cloud. You stink. And besides, no one here can touch Sephiroth anyway.   
Sephiroth: Well, Aeris beat me once.   
Cloud: You let her win!   
Sephiroth: Did not!   
Cloud: Did too!   
Sephiroth: I refuse to play your childish games. I could be rapping, you know. The author is an excellent rapping partner.   
*Suddenly, about ten pounds of 100 Gil pieces fall from above at Sephiroth's feet*   
Sephiroth: Wow. What a coincidence.   
Cloud: This sucks.   
*There is a knock at the door*   
Ramza: That had better be Daravon. *opens door*   
Daravon: I are guy tat are hearing you need help with problem. Robot this are trashed. I are helping. Teacher are I. This is the way!   
Ramza: Yeah... Mustadio and Worker 8 are in the next room.   
*Ramza escorts Daravon to Mustadio and Worker 8's inactive body*   
Mustadio: Well, I've fixed the machinery, but his programming is blown out. He needs to be totally reprogrammed. Think you can do it, Daravon?   
Daravon: *examing Worker 8* It are possible, but not alone are I. I need help from my brightest and bestest of pupils.   
Ramza: Well, I'm honored, but I don't know a thing about computers.   
Daravon: Not you, dingbat!   
Ramza: Delita's king now. He can't help you.   
Daravon: Not him either! You two C- students. You do horrible in English. My bestest student I call now. He'll help. This is the way!   
*Daravon makes a phone call*   
Daravon: Yes, are you to be helping I?   
Voice: It's hard, but we can do it. I got a good feeling!   
Daravon: Good. You are knowing where Igros are at?   
Voice: I are knowing. I are sure.   
Daravon: Good. See you here!   
Voice: Off course!   
*Daravon hangs up*   
Daravon: Bestest student tat are mine are coming. This job will be a success!   
Ramza: Good.   
*At Riovanes*   
Edward: Boss, we got the stones.   
Altima: Excellent! *takes pouch from Edward and opens it, spilling out all of the Zodiac Stones* This is great! Finally, I will have my revenge at last!   
Dan: Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed!   
Gogo: That line's not yours.   
Dan: It's from my game, though. Now shut up. You don't have that many lines, oh Master of the Simulacrum.   
Gogo: D'oh!   
Altima: Gather round, my troops... and you three people I don't know. Who are you?   
Agahnim: I'm Agahnim, Master of Hyrule... until I was defeated by Link. It sucked. I suck. I'm even suicidal.   
Dan: He fits in perfectly.   
Kraze: I, Kraze, suck as well. I'm from Suikoden, and the Liberation Army just beat me up and down, left and right.   
Dan: Careful, this is not a lemon.   
Kimberly: I'm Kimberly, also from Suikoden, and I only have one skill/use: Forgery. I completely suck in battle.   
Edward: I recruited them. I figured they could help.   
Dan: This sounds like a meeting from Characters Who Suck Anonymous.   
Umaro: Ung'haaa!   
Gogo: Guys, this is Umaro. He hasn't had a line in several chapters, so I figured we owed this to him. And these two are Rafa and Malak.   
Rafa: We used to have a robot, but he got scrapped.   
Malak: By Sephiroth.   
Dan: Sephiroth will pay! Boo-ya-CHEE!   
Altima: Anyway, down to business.   
Gogo: Yeah.   
Edward: You were at the maniacal laugh.   
Altima: Right. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Now I shall have my revenge against Ramza, Cloud, Sephiroth, and all those other do-gooders, especially that accursed T.G. Cid! He will pay!   
Malak: So what now, boss.   
Altima: We go kidnap the Zodiac Braves: Draclau, Wiegraf, Elmdor, Dycedarg, Vormav, and Elidibs. Hell, kidnap Rofel and Kletian too.   
Rafa: Okay. What if they don't want to come?   
Altima: Hence the word, kidnap. Catch my drift?   
Malak: Okay.   
Edward: One question... aren't those people all dead?   
Altima: They were dead. They should have respawned by now. Even Elmdor, who died when Sephiroth revived Aeris.   
Dan: How did you know about that?   
Altima: Evil Villain Monthly. It was a shame to lose one such as Sephiroth to the forces of good.   
Malak: But he didn't like you anyway.   
Altima: It's the principle of the thing. Anyway, go get those Braves! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 7: Round 'em up! Rawhide! 

*Riovanes Castle*   
Altima: All right, we'll go in different teams. Rafa and Malak, you go after Elidibs. Dan and Gogo, you go after Dycedarg. Edward and Kraze, you go after Draclau. Agahnim, you get Elmdor. Kimberly, take Umaro and get Wiegraf. I myself will get Vormav. And to anyone who sees Rofel and Kletian, pick them up too. Bwa ha ha! Now begone!   
*Outside Sand Rat Cellar*   
Kimberly: These recon jobs are the pits! Why does that fool Wiegraf have to live in a place like this? Ahem... there's sand on my boots!   
Umaro: Ungh'aaa!   
Kimberly: Uh... yeah. Anyway, this is the place. Let's knock on the door. *knocks*   
Voice from inside: Yeah. Who is it?   
Kimberly: We need to speak to a Mr. Wiegraf Folles.   
Voice: Hold on... *opens door* Okay, what can I do you for?   
Kimberly: Are you Wiegraf?   
Wiegraf: Yeah. And this is my sister, Miluda. *points to a girl eating cereal*   
Miluda: *with mouth full* Hi.   
Kimberly: Uh... hi. Anyway, we've come by order of Altima. You need to come with us. You are to transform into Velius.   
Wiegraf: Oh, no you don't! I'm not doing that again! I don't want to be a villain! I'm trying to just get by! No more evil for me.   
Kimberly: That's too bad. Come with us.   
Miluda: I don't think so. *draws sword*   
Wiegraf: Okay. If you want me to come with you, you'll have to fight me first!   
Kimberly: No problem.   
Wiegraf: And win.   
Kimberly: Damn.   
Wiegraf: Let's go! 

Conditions for Winning:   
DEFEAT ALL ENEMIES! 

CT   
1. Kimberly   
2. Miluda   
3. Wiegraf   
4. Umaro   
5. Kimberly   
6. Miluda   
7. Wiegraf   
8. Kimberly   
9. Umaro 

Kimberly: Neener! I get to go first! *walks up and whacks Wiegraf*   
Wiegraf: You suck. *blocks, then counters*   
Kimberly: Ouch!   
Miluda: My turn! *walks up and hits Umaro*   
Umaro: Ung'haaa!   
Miluda: I got a good feeling!   
Wiegraf: Lightning Stab!   
Kimberly: Arrggghhhh!   
Umaro: Ungggghhhaaa! *picks Kimberly up and throws her at Wiegraf*   
Kimberly: Uh... I don't like this...   
Wiegraf: Ooof! *falls over*   
Umaro: Ungha!   
Kimberly: Youch!   
Wiegraf: It looks... it looks like... you've won. I'm a man of my word. I'll go with you...   
Kimberly: Cool. Later, toots.   
Miluda: Toots?   
Umaro: Unghaa!   
*Umaro, Wiegraf, and Kimberly leave*   
*Deep Dungeon*   
Malak: Damn it's dark down here! I can't see a thing.   
Rafa: Me either. Turn on the lights.   
Voice: Who's there?   
Malak: I'm Cloud Strife!   
Rafa: And I'm Agrias Oaks!   
Voice: Oh, crap! I'm Elidibs, please don't kill me!   
Malak: Where are you at?   
Elidibs: I don't know. Hold on a minute... *lights a lighter* Here I am. What do you want?   
Malak: *with Rafa, walks over to Elidibs* We want you to come with us back to Riovanes to join Altima and become Serpentarius in an advanced crackpot scheme to dominate the world.   
Elidibs: You don't look like Cloud Strife... *to Rafa* and I recognize you! You're the one that found all that treasure! Rafa... something or other.   
Rafa: All right. We're Rafa and Malak, and we suck. Will you come with us?   
Elidibs: Sure... on one condition.   
Rafa: And what's that?   
Elidibs: It's what you have to do if you want me to come with you.   
Malak: Shut up, smart ass! She means, what's the condition?   
Elidibs: Retrieve the Tangerine of Wrath for me.   
Rafa: What do you want with the Tangerine of Wrath?   
Elidibs: Mindless fetch quest.   
Malak: Okay. We'll be back in a second. Let's go, Raf.   
Rafa: I got a good feeling!   
*At Igros*   
Daravon: When are he that are getting here?   
Ramza: I don't know. I wish he'd hurry, though.   
Daravon: I got a good feeling! That I can beat Sephiroth at Ergize!   
Sephiroth: That's Ehrgeiz, old man, and you don't stand a chance.   
Cloud: Trust me, professor, he's good.   
Sephiroth: I've got Mad Skillz.   
Cloud: Shut up about your Mad Skillz.   
Sephiroth: When you've got 'em, you've got 'em.   
Cloud: I think I'll play Tactics.   
Daravon: Play Tutorial tat are mine to learn playing that are! Items used are items that are consumed during the battle. Ability is a skill you learn with job training. Solve your questions here.   
Cloud: On second thought, I'll play Samurai Shodown.   
*knock at the door*   
Ramza: I'll get it. *opens door* Who are you?   
Man: I am person that work with computers. I got a good feeling!   
Daravon: Ah! Too be coming in! I are your proffessor, and we need you to fix robot tat are broke.   
Worker 8, he get a bad feeling.   
Man: I see what I can do. I famous on Worker 8.   
Ramza: This is crazy?! Who is he?   
Daravon: Let me introduce my greatest student, he are grate in English, Dr. Thinker, fanfic writer extraordinaire!   
Thinker: Off course! I can are to will fix Worker 8.   
Ramza: I'll leave you two alone, before my head explodes.   
Thinker: Goldeneye is an eye tat are golden. Hawkeye is an eye tat are hawk.   
Ramza: Yowee! Goodbye! *walks out of the room and closes the door* Whoa, it's a mad house in there.   
Sephiroth: Did you say you have Mad Skillz? You want to try the master? Break it on down!   
Ramza: Uh... you're on!   
Cloud: Not again!   
*At Lesalia Imperial Capital, Dan and Gogo walk up to the secretary*   
Dan: We need to speak to Duke Dycedarg.   
Woman: Do you have an appointment.   
Gogo: No.   
Woman: Okay, that'll be a moment. Sit down.   
Dan: Okay.   
*three hours later*   
Dan: Excuse me, miss, can we see the Duke now?   
Duke Nukem: Why do you wanna see me, sissy boy?   
Dan: Not you. I mean Duke Dycedarg.   
Duke Nukem: Oh. Later then. It's time to kill. *walks out*   
Woman: Do you have an appointment?   
Gogo: WE JUST TOLD YOU NO!   
Woman: It'll be a moment.   
*five hours later*   
Gogo: Look, miss, can we please see Dycedarg now?   
Woman: Do you have an appointment?   
Dan: Look, you stupid !@#$%^, I already said no! Now let us see him!   
Woman: Sit down, sir, or I'll...   
Dan: You'll what?   
Woman: I'll... show you my TRUE POWER!   
*Woman transforms into a big, one-winged angel*   
*In Igros*   
Sephiroth: Somewhere, copyright infringement is going on... hold on...   
*Back in Lesalia*   
Dan: What the crap? Shoryuken!   
*Dan executes a less-than-perfect Shoryuken, to no avail*   
Gogo: Mimic!   
*Gogo mimics Dan, doing little damage*   
Woman: YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A MIGHTY ONE-WINGED ANGEL!   
Gogo: "A" mighty one-winged angel?   
*Sephiroth appears*   
Sephiroth: She's a copycat. I'm The One-Winged Angel. She's just one in a million one-winged angels. Time to die. *pulls out Magic 8 Ball of Doom* Interesting. Do either of you happen to have a stick?   
Gogo: Right here. *pulls out a stick*   
Sephiroth: Thanks. *Acquired Key Item "Stick!"* Well, time to die, copycat!   
*After a painful fight (for the woman/demon), Sephiroth impales it on the stick, ala Midgar Zolom*   
Sephiroth: Hm. Looks like that was easy.   
Woman/Demon: You may have won this time, but I'll be back! *dies*   
Sephiroth: Yeah, whatever. *teleports away*   
Dan: Well, that was an interesting interlude. What about Dycedarg?   
*Dycedarg steps out of his office*   
Dycedarg: What's going on?   
Dan: You Dycedarg?   
Dyce: Yeah.   
Gogo: Come with us. Altima wants to see you.   
Dyce: Why?   
Gogo: You are to become Adramelk again.   
Dyce: Damn. Do I have too?   
Dan: Yes.   
Dyce: What if I fight you?   
Gogo: Then you'll probably win.   
Dyce: Okay. Then I won't put up a fight. Let's go.   
Dan: *whispers to Gogo* I think this guy's off his rocker.   
*Meanwhile, at Limberry*   
Agahnim: Well, this must be the place.   
Algus: Halt!   
Agahnim: You Elmdor?   
Algus: No. I'm Algus, of the Limberry Aegis Knights.   
Agahnim: Outta my way. *shoves Algus aside and goes inside*   
Algus: Eh. I tried.   
Agahnim: *to a nearby man* Hey, where's Marquis Elmdor?   
Man: In the dining hall with Celia and Lede.   
Agahnim: Who're they?   
Man: Assassins. But I ain't one to gossip, so you didn't hear that from me.   
Agahnim: Whatever. Where's the dining hall?   
Man: That room right there. *points to door in front of Agahnim*   
Agahnim: Thanks. *goes in*   
Elmdor: Who're you?   
Agahnim: That doesn't matter. You Elmdor?   
Elmdor: Yeah. Celia, Lede, get him!   
Celia: Stop watch!   
Agahnim: You can't use that on me! I'm a boss! Neener!   
Celia: Damn!   
Agahnim: And you happen to be standing directly below me. LIGHTNING STRIKE!   
Celia: Arrrrgggghhhh!   
Lede: Uggghhhh!   
Elmdor: Yeeeeeee-oooouuuucccchhhh! Seafood soup! My, you are mighty. Who are you, and what do you want?   
Agahnim: I'm Agahnim, and Altima told me to come here and pick you up. He's got the Zodiac Stones, and it's morphin' time.   
Elmdor: Do I have to? I got beat so bad last time, and all my stuff was stolen too!   
Agahnim: Shut up, you imperfect clone, and come on!   
Elmdor: Okay. *hides #14 tattoo on his hand* But Altima's gonna reimburse me for all the stuff that gets stolen!   
Agahnim: Whatever. Why are you in such a bad mood anyway?   
Elmdor: I keep getting bills for Setzer Gabbiani and Sephiroth.   
Agahnim: Sorry I asked. Let's go.   
*They leave*   
*Meanwhile, on Mlapan level of Deep Dungeon*   
Malak: Okay, the map says the Tangerine of Wrath is right here. Let's dig.   
*They begin digging*   
*Several hours later*   
Malak: Hey, I found something! It's a treasure chest! *opens it* Nuts, it's just a Phoenix Down. Rafa: Your faith is too low. Let's reset.   
*RESET*   
>*At Riovanes*   
>Altima: All right, we'll go in-   
Malak: This sucks. Fast forward.   
*FAST FORWARD*   
>Malak: Hey, I found something! It's a treasure chest!   
Rafa: Wait! Let me open it, sense my faith is so high.   
Malak: Whew! We almost got stuck in one of those repeating Star Trek plotlines.   
Rafa: *opens chest* Here it is... the Tangerine of Wrath.   
Malak: Wow. Let's go.   
Voice: NOT SO FAST, MORTALS!   
Rafa: *turns* Who're you?   
Voice: I'M A BOSS, AND IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY THE PIPER! BWA HA HA!!!   
Malak: Uh... crap. 

To be continued... 

Chapter 8: Tangerine Dreams 

*Outside a random temple out in the country*   
Edward: Okay, Draclau lives over there in that temple... just across that bridge.   
Kraze: Uh oh.   
Town Guard: I'm sorry. The bridge is out. The king has been acting strangely lately.   
Edward: I don't give a damn. I'll swim.   
Town Guard: *ahem* I said, THE KING HAS BEEN ACTING STRANGELY LATELY.   
Kraze: What do you want us to do about it?   
Town Guard: Damn it. Listen, stupid, whenever someone says the king's been acting funny and you can't get any farther, that means you have to go see the king and get to the bottom of this mess! Idiot!   
Edward: Okay. Where does the king live?   
Town Guard: In the castle, stupid!   
Kraze: I guess we're off to see the king then.   
Edward: This bridge had better be fixed when I get back, or I'll...   
Town Guard: You'll what?   
Edward: Unleash my MAD SKILLZ on you!   
Town Guard: Your special skill is "Hide."   
Edward: Very well, then. I'll hide from you. C'mon, Kraze.   
*Elsewhere, in Deep Dungeon*   
Malak: What are we gonna do about this boss?   
Rafa: Hmm... I don't know. Truth and Untruth?   
Malak: Nah. That never works.   
Boss: You cannot defeat my greatness! Bwa ha ha!!!   
Rafa: What do you want?   
Boss: I don't "want" anything. I'm a boss! I'm evil! Bwa ha ha!!!   
Malak: Who are you?   
Boss: Just a generic boss. Now, TIME TO DIE!   
Rafa: Uh... Tangerine of Wrath Star Power!   
*Rafa is transformed into a girl wearing a Sailor outfit*   
Malak: Oh my god! You're Sailor Tangerine!   
Rafa: So I am! Tangerine Blast! *blasts the boss*   
Boss: Ugh! I can't believe it... defeated by... two kids... so close... to my ultimate... victory... *dies*   
Malak: Oh, well. Let's get this back to Elidibs.   
Rafa: *transforms back into herself* Good idea.   
*Back at the "Castle"*   
Edward: So this is where the king lives. Nice digs.   
Kraze: I could get used to this.   
Guard: Halt! Have you business with the king?   
Edward: We need to cross the bridge outside town.   
Guard: Okay, you can see the king. But be warned, he's been acting strangely.   
Kraze: So we've heard.   
*They enter*   
King: Greetings! What can I do for you?   
Edward: We need to use the bridge outside of town.   
King: It's out.   
Kraze: Well? Are you gonna fix it?   
King: Maybe. If you complete a fetch quest for us.   
Edward: But, you ARE the fetch quest. You've been acting strangely.   
King: I have? I don't remember that.   
Kraze: This is such a waste of time.   
Edward: Agreed. *stabs the king*   
King: Aaarrrggghhh! *transforms into a demon* You... found me out... I would've gotten away with it, too... damn it... back to hell.   
Edward: Well, that solves that problem.   
Kraze: I just hope the bridge is back up.   
*Elsewhere, at a McDonald's*   
Window guy: Sorry, sir, we're out of apple pies.   
Guy in '76 Camaro: Damn it! You're no help! You'll pay for this!   
*Behind the '76 Camaro is Altima... in a Nissan Altima*   
Altima: Hey, do I recognize your voice?   
Guy in '76 Camaro: *in booming voice* NO! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! *drives off*   
Altima: Well, that was pointless. *pulls up to the window*   
Window guy: Here's your order... hey, Altima, how's it going?   
Altima: Vormav?! You're working at... a McDonald's? God, that's pathetic! You used to be a major video game villain!   
Vormav: Yeah, I guess. Anyway, you want fries with that?   
Altima: Yeah, yeah, sure. Anyway, do you want to join me in an attempt to take over the world?   
Vormav: I don't know. This job pays kinda well, and my boss is nice... sorta.   
Voice: Get back to work, slacker!   
Vormav: Yessir, right away!   
Altima: Rofel?! Is that you?   
Rofel: Hi, Altima, anymore crackpot schemes lately?   
Altima: Actually, one right now. Get in.   
Vormav: Yeah, I guess this job does suck. *hops through window, goes around, and gets into passenger seat of Altima's... Altima*   
Rofel: Hey, come back here!   
Altima: He's working for me, now. You can join too.   
Rofel: Eh... ... ... why not? Assistant manager sucks. *hops out window and gets into the backseat of the Altima*   
Altima: Excellent! Now where's Kletian?   
Rofel: Performing on street corners, somewhere.   
Vormav: There he is, right there!   
*Altima pulls up*   
Kletian: Pick a card, any card...   
Guy in crowd: You suck! You've already gotten the wrong card sixteen times!   
Kletian: I'm just gettin' warmed up! Pick a card!   
Guy in crowd: Card is for loser. I'm outta here.   
Kletian: Damn. Hey, you wanna try your luck?   
Altima: No. It's me, Altima. I've got Rofel and Vormav here. Come join us.   
Kletian: You have to beat me at poker first.   
Altima: Okay.   
*Ten minutes later*   
Altima: Okay, that's twelve hands. Let's go.   
Kletian: Damn. I suck at cards.   
Altima: Yeah, and I suck in battle. You don't hear me whining. Let's go.   
*They leave*   
*In Deep Dungeon*   
Malak: Well, here's the Tangerine of Wrath.   
Elidibs: Thanks! *examines it* With this, I will be able... TO CONQUER THE UNIVERSE!   
*Suddenly, Elidibs trips and drops the Tangerine of Wrath into a deeeeeeep pit*   
Elidibs: Damn.   
Rafa: So, are you going to join us?   
Elidibs: I'm a man of my word, music man!   
Rafa: Huh?   
Elidibs: Let's go!   
Malak: I got a good feeling!   
*They leave*   
*Back at the "Bridge"*   
Edward: Is the bridge finished yet?   
Town Guard: Yeah. You'll come back if the king ever starts acting strangely again, right?   
Kraze: No.   
Town Guard: Okay! Thanks!   
*Edward and Kraze cross the bridge*   
Edward: So here it is... Draclau's temple.   
Kraze: *yelling* Yo, Draclau, you here?   
*Draclau comes out*   
Draclau: What do you want?   
Edward: Altima's reforming the Zodiac Braves. You need to come to turn into Queklain again.   
Draclau: Damn! But Queklain is so... disgusting.   
Kraze: Too bad. Let's go.   
Draclau: I get to get revenge on Ramza, right?   
Edward: When Altima controls the universe, you can get revenge on anyone you want.   
Draclau: Cool! I'm in!   
Edward: Let's go, then.   
*They leave*   
*Back at Igros*   
Ramza: They've been in there a good while. I hope they fix him.   
Mustadio: I'm sure they will.   
Ramza: What are you basing that on?   
Mustadio: Plot devices.   
Cloud: NO! NOT AGAIN! *throws controller down*   
Sephiroth: Face it, Cloud, you cannot beat the Master at Ehrgeiz.   
Cloud: I will beat you! I will! Even if I have to practice day and night. I will raise my power level and defeat you!   
Sephiroth: Geez. Chill out! It's just a game.   
Cloud: *huff* Not just... *puff* a game...   
*Daravon and Dr. Thinker step out*   
Ramza: How did it go?   
Daravon: Well, we began the job with faith. I couldn't have done it without Dr. Thinker.   
Dr. Thinker: I got a good feeling!   
Daravon: We tried our best.   
Dr. Thinker: This job required a lot of strength.   
Daravon: But we were able to do it. I repaired the robot with faith, and inside are brand new circuits. So, this job is a great success!   
Dr. Thinker: This is the way!   
Ramza: Thank god! Is he on yet?   
Daravon: Off course! Worker 8, come hear.   
Ramza: That's here.   
Daravon: That's what I are saying. Hear.   
Worker 8: Greetings!   
Ramza: Hm. Seems to be working fine. How are you, Worker 8?   
Worker 8: I are feeling fine.   
Ramza: That's, "I AM feeling fine."   
Worker 8: I got a good feeling.   
Ramza: Do you remember me?   
Worker 8: I know you! Worker 8 famous on Ramza!   
Ramza: Uh... thanks, I think. Well, he seems okay... relatively speaking.   
Worker 8: Off course!   
Ramza: Thanks, Daravon, and Dr. Thinker. What do we owe you?   
Daravon: Nothing! I get good feeling working with my bestest student to help C- students. This job was a success!   
Dr. Thinker: Good working with you two, Professor! You are to be editing my fanfics?   
Daravon: Off course! I got a good feeling! Bye, Ramza!   
Ramza: Bye, guys.   
*Daravon and Thinker leave*   
Ramza: Well, that was strange. And now Worker 8 is talking like them. Will the madness ever end?   
Cloud: NO! NOT AGAIN! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!   
Ramza: Apparently not.   
Mustadio: So, Worker 8, can you tell us about Altima's plan?   
Worker 8: I cannot. I was are crashed at tat time.   
Mustadio: Damn! Ramza, this was pointless!   
Ramza: Worker 8, attack Mustadio...   
Mustadio: Are you freaking craz-   
*Mustadio is blasted by Worker 8*   
Ramza: Phoenix down! Get the phoenix down!   
*Back at Riovanes*   
Altima: At last, we are all gathered here. You are my army! Edward, Kraze, Rafa, Malak, Kimberly, Umaro, Agahnim, Dan, Gogo, and the Zodiac Braves, Draclau, Wiegraf, Elmdor, Dycedarg, Elidibs, and Vormav. And, Rofel and Kletian! At last, we will dominate this world! Bwa ha ha!!!   
Edward: What's our first target, boss?   
Altima: The Gold Saucer! Ha ha ha!!! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 9: Saucer of Milk 

*At Igros*   
*Red XIII bursts through the door, everyone's hanging out, and Cloud and Sephiroth are playing Ehrgeiz. Cloud is frantically... losing.*   
Red XIII: Thank Holy I'm not too late! Altima's got another insidious plan!   
Cloud: No! Not again!   
Red XIII: It isn't *that* bad.   
Cloud: Oh, what? I'm just mad because I lost... again. Damn!   
Sephiroth: Chill, Cloud. It's just a game. What's up, Red?   
Ramza: What's his newest grandiose scheme?   
Red XIII: He has the Zodiac Stones, and he's reviving the Zodiac Braves.   
Mustadio: This could be bad. We have to stop him.   
Cloud: Right. Let's mosey. *Cloud senses somewhere Cid is saying, "Damn, you're doing it again!"* Er... I mean, Move Out!   
Sephiroth: How many people should we take?   
Cloud: I dunno. Who's coming?   
Ramza: You... me... Mustadio...   
Mustadio: Do I have to?   
Ramza: Yes... T.G. Cid...   
*T.G. Cid walks in*   
T.G. Cid: I'm right here. Let's go kick some Lucavi butt! I've got a pleasing feeling!   
Worker 8: I got a good feeling!   
Ramza: Let's leave Worker 8 here... so he can recuperate...   
Sephiroth: Well, I may as well go.   
Red XIII: What would you ever do without me? I'm going.   
Cloud: Well, let's go. Cid should have the airship warmed up.   
*Meanwhile, at Riovanes*   
Altima: So, now, my children, transform!   
Draclau: Scorpio summons power! It's morphin' time! *transforms into Queklain*   
Wiegraf: I don't wanna...   
Kimberly: We beat you. Now do it!   
Wiegraf: Very well, but I don't want to... Velius! *transforms into Velius*   
Elmdor: Sephiroth clone power! I got a good feeling! *transforms into Zalera*   
Dycedarg: Here I come, brother! Adramelk! *tranforms into Adramelk*   
Elidibs: Serpentarius stone power! *tranforms into his Lucavi form*   
Vormav: McDonald's drive-thru power! Leo stone mesmerize! *transforms into Hashmalum*   
Kletian: Uh... poker playing power... Libra, turn me into a card shark.... *nothing happens* Damn.   
Altima: Let's mosey!   
Edward: You're doing it again!   
Altima: Sorry! I mean, Move Out! And... hey!   
Edward: Heh heh...   
Gogo: So who all's going?   
Altima: Kimberly, Umaro, and Gogo, you stay here and guard the castle. Everyone else can come with me. Now, Kimberly, review using traps?   
Kimberly: What in the name of Barbarosa are you talking about?   
Altima: Oh, nothing. Just practicing for Deception 3. I should have gotten the part for Yocal in Kagero!   
Dan: You're a guy!   
Altima: Oh, yeah. Well, no matter... now, we take the Gold Saucer!   
*Altima and his crew (Queklain, Velius, Zalera, Adramelk, Elidibs, Hashmalum, Rofel, Kletian, Edward, Kraze, Rafa, Malak, Agahnim, and Dan) move out. Kimberly, Umaro, and Gogo stay behind*   
*In the Highwind*   
Cloud: I hope we aren't too late!   
Sephiroth: Hm. I wonder if they'll put up a fight? What do Lucavi fight like, anyway, Ramza?   
Ramza: They basically suck. Except for Velius. He's pretty bad. But we were all low-level back then, and T.G. Cid wasn't with us.   
T.G. Cid: I can kill any demon. I am the greatest.   
Yuffie: Care to make a wager on that?   
Cid: !@#$! Where the !@#$ did you come from?   
Yuffie: I, like, stowed away. I'm sooooo airsick. Anyway, you want to bet on that, T.G. Cid?   
T.G. Cid: I guess. What do you have in mind?   
Yuffie: I have a master summon materia here. If you can beat all the summon monsters, I'll give you one million gil..   
T.G. Cid: I don't care about gil.   
Yuffie: Well, I'll clean your house for a week. If I win, then you give me one million gil.   
T.G. Cid: Okay. Cast away.   
Cloud: Hey, Yuffie, where'd you get that master summon materia, anyway?   
Cid: !@#$! My !@#$ing materia's gone! You little thief!   
Yuffie: Heh heh heh. Let the games begin! *casts Choco/Mog*   
T.G. Cid: Stasis Sword! *destroys Choco/Mog*   
Yuffie: That was the weakest summon, anyway. Shiva! *casts Shiva*   
T.G. Cid: Night Sword! *destroys Shiva*   
Yuffie: Okay, Ifrit! *casts Ifrit*   
*T.G. defeats Ifrit, and goes through the other summons easily*   
Yuffie: Damn! Knights of the Round! *casts KotR*   
*T.G. cuts down the 13 knights*   
T.G. Cid: *huff* That was kinda... *puff* hard... Nice workout, though. Now you have to clean Igros.   
Yuffie: Not so fast! *goes and whispers in Sephiroth's ear. He looks unconcerned, then she gives him a fifty gil piece*   
Sephiroth: Okay, if you can beat Super Nova, she'll clean your house for two weeks.   
T.G. Cid: Eh... okay.   
Sephiroth: SUPERNOVA!!!   
*After about an hour (waiting for the FMV) T.G. destroys the comet with a well-timed Holy Explosion*   
Sephiroth: Well, I'll be damned. I guess I need to raise my power level.   
Yuffie: Crap. Okay, like, you win.   
Cid: I hate to break up the !@#$ing tea party, but we're here at Riovanes.   
Cloud: Cool. Let's go check it out.   
*Cloud and Sephiroth disembark and knock on the door. Kimberly answers*   
Kimberly: Yeah?   
Cloud: Where's Altima?   
Kimberly: Gone to take over the Gold Saucer. Uh, I mean, I don't know.   
Gogo: You dolt! Now we'll be tarred and feathered!   
Sephiroth: Hm. I wanted to make them talk, too. Oh, well.   
Cloud: Let's go! We don't have a minute to lose! To the Gold Saucer! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 10: All Your Base Are Belong To Us! 

*At the Gold Saucer*   
Dio: Oh, I can't believe you came here to see me!   
Mukki: I wouldn't miss seeing you for the world!   
Dio: Oh, Mukki, I love you more than anything. Well, anything except myself, of course.   
Mukki: Of course.   
*Suddenly, the door bursts open and Altima comes in leading his party*   
Altima: Everybody freeze! All your base are belong to us!   
Dio: Do whatever you want to me, just don't hurt Mukki!   
Mukki: Get back! You'll get hurt!   
Altima: I don't care about you two. I just want to take over the Gold Saucer. And now I have! Bwa ha ha!!!   
Dan: Well, boss, the Gold Saucer has been taken over. We're running the show.   
Altima: Excellent! Finally, I'm winning!   
*Outside the Gold Saucer*   
Cid: Holy !@#$! They've taken it over!   
Ramza: Well, I'll be. Altima finally did something right for a change.   
Sephiroth: Hm. I guess we have to stop them, then?   
Cloud: Yeah. Let's mosey.   
Cid: !@#$! Stop sayin' it like a wuss!   
Cloud: Sorry! I mean, Move Out! Cid, bring us directly over so we can parachute into the main square.   
Cid: What do I look like, a !@#$ing maid?   
Sephiroth: I'll teleport in and see what's going on.   
Cloud: Good. Let's move.   
*Inside...*   
Altima: Now, where should I attack first? Midgar? Igros? Adlehyde? Figaro?   
*Suddenly, Dan comes flying through the door, followed by Sephiroth*   
Dan: Ugh... sorry... sir... *passes out*   
Sephiroth: So, you've managed to take the Gold Saucer, eh? What a sucky scheme. I could have done this by myself, easily.   
Altima: Lucavi, get him!   
Elidibs: Aarrrrgggghhhh! YOU DIE!   
Zalera: TIME TO PAY!   
Velius: THIS'S THE WAY!   
Sephiroth: All caps... you must die!   
Altima: Please. The seven of us Lucavi can take you any day of the week. You could even bring your friends along too.   
Sephiroth: Pathetic. You couldn't lick a stamp. You couldn't beat a drum.   
Altima: Then come on! One more time, you spikey-haired jerk! Let's go one more time!   
*Seph raises his blade*   
Dio: Now, wait up! There's no need to fight! At least not here. Why don't we have the blowout of the season? Altima, you and your six Lucavi, against Sephiroth and a party of six. How does that sound?   
Altima: Ah, the chance to publicly humiliate you. Agreed!   
Sephiroth: Fine. I choose Cloud, Cid, Barret, Aeris, Tifa, and Vincent.   
Altima: No fair! The FFVII characters are way overrated! Make him choose someone else!   
Dio: He's right. That would be a pretty one-sided fight. You and Cloud. No more FFVII characters.   
Sephiroth: Damn. Okay. Organize the event, and my party and I will be there.   
Mukki: I will give this lockpick to you, the master of unlocking.   
Sephiroth: Um, yeah. *teleports*   
*In the Highwind*   
Cloud: So, what's up?   
Sephiroth: Well, we've got a chance to win. All we have to do is find five more characters to join us to fight Altima and the Lucavi.   
Cloud: No prob. Me, you, Cid-   
Cid: The hell?   
Cloud: ...Barret, Aeris, Tifa, and Vincent.   
Sephiroth: That's exactly what I said, but we're the only two FFVII characters allowed.   
Cloud: Where are we gonna find more people for our party?   
Sephiroth: I think I can get some people. Let's just wait until the day of the fight.   
T.G. Cid: I have to be there!   
Sephiroth: You got a point. You're in, T.G.   
Ramza: What about the rest of us Tactics guys?   
Sephiroth: No. No offense, but you kinda all suck.   
Ramza: Hey!   
Sephiroth: Well, it's true.   
Cloud: So, when's the big fight?   
*Suddenly, Cid turns the radio on*   
Announcer: Come to the Gold, Gold, GOLD Saucer, for the fight of the century, century, CENTURY! That's right, it's gonna be Sephiroth and crew versus Altima and the Lucavi! Who's gonna win, win, WIN? Be there on Friday the thirteenth for all the action, action, ACTION!   
Sephiroth: Friday the thirteenth, apparently.   
Cloud: Well, we'd better get to work. We need to recruit people.   
Sephiroth: Leave that to me. You just get ready.   
Cloud: You sure?   
Sephiroth: Trust me...   
Cloud: Uh... the last time I did that you burned down my hometown.   
Sephiroth: Yeah, but it all worked out for the best. Kinda...   
Cloud: Many people died, and my town was reduced to ashes.   
Sephiroth: But it was rebuilt. Whatever is destroyed, people will rebuild.   
Cid: But why the !@#$ would they rebuild something they know is gonna be destroyed?   
Sephiroth: That's not what matters. It's the day-to-day concerns, the personal victories, that make a person's life what it is.   
Yuffie: You sound like, like a chapter from a self-help booklet, or something.   
Ramza: I think I'm gonna cry.   
Mustadio: Me too.   
Ramza: Huh? Oh, I didn't know you were here.   
Red XIII: That's because the author conveniently left us out of all the conversations.   
Booming Voice: Well, excuse me! I could do like CZK and cancel the whole series. Would that make you feel better?   
Red XIII: Sorry.   
Booming Voice: That's better.   
Cloud: Anyway, I'd better start training. This fight could be difficult.   
Sephiroth: I'll go recruit. I know some people who should be up for this sort of thing.   
T.G. Cid: I'll go kill monsters for fun and amusement.   
Ramza: Cool. I'll sit around and lounge.   
Mustadio: Me too.   
Yuffie: Me three.   
T.G. Cid: Nope. You have to clean Igros.   
Yuffie: Sorry, suckers! See ya later! *drops a smoke bomb*   
Ramza: She's gone!   
Cloud: Heh. Doesn't that just beat all?   
Cid: Watch it, or that !@#$ing Rei will sue you for copyright infringement.   
Sephiroth: Well, anyway, let's get back to the Villa. 

To be continued... 

Chapter 11: Let The Games Begin! 

*At the Villa Cloud...*   
*Cloud is practicing using the Ultima Weapon in the back yard*   
Cloud: It's almost time... gotta raise my power level!   
Sephiroth: *walks out* Time to go, Cloud.   
Cloud: So, have you decided on who else will be in the group?   
Sephiroth: Yep. Most of them will be in the audience at the Gold Saucer waiting for us. Come on.   
*Meanwhile, at the Gold Saucer*   
Altima: All right, Braves, this is it! We either die today as heroes, or live tomorrow as slaves.   
Queklain: That doesn't sound very encouraging.   
Velius: I didn't come here to die. I'm out of here.   
Altima: Get back here! You aren't going anywhere.   
Velius: ...   
Altima: Anyway, let us prepare for the battle to come.   
*The Highwind...*   
Cloud: I'm actually getting kinda nervous. What are these Lucavi like?   
T.G. Cid: Most of them suck.   
Ramza: Except for Velius. He was bad.   
Cloud: Hm. You think I can take him?   
Mustadio: Tactics you, no. FFVII you, oh hell yeah.   
Cloud: Good thing I'm FFVII me, then.   
Ramza: That's the strangest thing I've ever heard.   
Sephiroth: I think we can beat these losers. They are weak.   
Mustadio: I just hope the rest of the Braves suck as bad as they did when we fought them.   
Ramza: Let's see... you should use some kind of armor or accessory so they can't poison you or turn you into a frog. Lucavi are bad about that.   
Cloud: I've got my ribbon right here!   
Sephiroth: Me too.   
Mustadio: You two look like girls! Ribbons! Ha!   
Sephiroth: Are you mocking me?   
Mustadio: Ha ha ha ha... no, not at all! Ha ha ha!   
Sephiroth: All right, that's it. I need to practice. I may as well practice on you.   
Mustadio: All right, you're on! Let's go! 

Conditions For Winning:   
DEFEAT ALL ENEMIES! 

CT:   
1. Sephiroth   
2. Mustadio   
3. Sephiroth   
4. Mustadio 

Sephiroth: Ha! Time to pay! *jumps over and slices Mustadio*   
Mustadio: Yeouch! Seafood soup! Better retreat! *moves, then uses an Elixir*   
Sephiroth: You can run, but you can't hide! Fire 3!   
Ramza: That's not the spell for Fire 3!   
Cloud: We don't have to use words in FFVII.   
Ramza: Man, you guys are pampered!   
*Fire 3 blazes around the airship, hitting Mustadio*   
Mustadio: Yeouch! Not again! Snipe! *blasts at Sephiroth*   
Sephiroth: *Miss!* Time to die! *slices Mustadio again*   
Mustadio: All right! I give up!   
Sephiroth: *twirls sword elaborately* No one can defeat the almighty Sephiroth.   
Cid: Are you two !@#$s fighting back there? Keep it the !@#$ down! By the way, we're here!   
Sephiroth: Excellent. Let's rock and roll.   
Cloud: Hm. Cool.   
T.G. Cid: I'm pumped. I'm hyped. I'm ready to go!   
*They leave*   
*In the Gold Saucer*   
Altima: All right, Braves. It's time.   
Zalera: Dum-dum-de-dum, dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum.   
Adramelk: I do not have a good feeling.   
Altima: Quiet! We WILL win. Of this I have no doubt! We cannot lose! We are Lucavi.   
Elidibs: But we suck!   
Altima: WE DO NOT SUCK! THAT WAS LUCK! DRAIN IS NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF 864 HP!   
Queklain: Obsess much?   
Altima: Quiet! Let's go!   
*They walk out of the dressing room onto the battle field*   
*The audience roars, and is filled with characters from various video games: Link, Mario, Sonic, the FF6j/3 characters, the other FFVII characters, the FF4j/2 characters, the Secret of Mana characters, the Chrono Trigger characters, even the 108 Suikoden characters, etc, including Altima's non-Braves party*   
Edward: There they are! Cheer loudly!   
Malak: Why? If they win, we lose our jobs.   
Edward: What?   
Malak: Why would he need a bunch of sucky characters if he has all those Lucavi?   
Edward: Gee, that's right. I'm depressed.   
Dan: Enough of this. Let's get to the fighting.   
*Almost as if on cue, Sephiroth, Cloud, and T.G. Cid walk out of the dressing room*   
Altima: Where's the rest of your party, Seph? Couldn't find anyone brave enough to challenge the almighty Altima, the son of God?   
Sephiroth: Please. They're in the stands. Give me a moment. *walks toward the audience*   
Cloud: I hope he knows what he's doing.   
T.G. Cid: I have obtained a pleasing feeling.   
Cloud: Huh?   
Sephiroth: *walking back* My party, except for two members, is ready. Allow me to introduce...   
Kazuya Mishima: I've got my purple suit and my yellow tie... somebody's gonna die, oh my!   
Sephiroth: Kazuya Mishima, son of Heihachi Mishima, and winner of the first Tekken.   
Voice: Vwee hee hee!   
Cloud: No! Not...   
T.G. Cid: Him!   
Sephiroth: Yep. The one, the only...   
Kefka: *appears* Vwee hee hee!   
Sephiroth: Kefka!   
Kefka: Don't worry, T.G. Cid, I forgive you! Vwee hee hee!   
T.G. Cid: ...   
Sephiroth: Next is... hmm... he's not here.   
Cloud: Who is it?   
Sephiroth: Never mind. He should be here shortly.   
T.G. Cid: So, there's five of us. Where are the other two?   
Sephiroth: Well, Fei's late, but he should be here.   
Cloud: Fei? Flash... back... Zeno... gias...   
Sephiroth: Snap out of it! *PHS rings* Excuse me. *answers phone* Hello? Fei? Where are you?   
Fei: *on phone* I can't make it! My gear tore up.   
Sephiroth: You have to make it! We need you!   
Fei: Sorry, but I can't. Besides, I'd just hold you back. I don't like Gears or fighting. Sorry. *hangs up*   
Sephiroth: Damn. Hold on. *walks over to audience* Uh... attention please. People, it seems I'm short one member. Who wants to join our group?   
Guy #1: Y... young m-master... can I?   
Guy #2: *nods*   
Guy #1: I... I will.   
Sephiroth: Cool. Can you fight?   
Guy #1: Yeah.   
Sephiroth: Who are you?   
Guy #1: Allow me to introduce myself... 

I strode into town, my axe in my holster,   
Everybody knows about the wicked Lucavi roaster... 

Sephiroth: That doesn't tell me anything.   
Guy #1: Oh... okay. I'm Gremio. From Suikoden.   
Sephiroth: Cool. Get up here.   
Gremio: Oh... okay. *comes down and joins party*   
Cloud: Well, that's six of us. Who's the seventh person?   
Sephiroth: You see that door? *points to a door in the Battle Arena*   
Cloud: Yeah. What is it?   
Sephiroth: That's the Door Ex Machina. For the author to bring in a character that quite obviously doesn't belong.   
Cloud: Like Gremio?   
Sephiroth: Even more out of place than that.   
Gremio: Y-young M-master?   
Cloud: So, where is he? She? It?   
Sephiroth: Good question.   
*Just then, the Door Ex Machina opens, with smoke and steam and fog billowing out, a silhouette can be seen*   
Voice: Hm. Am I late? Sorry. I have to learn to be more on time.   
Cloud: Oh my god!   
Rafa: *from audience* He killed Vicks and Wedge! *points to Vicks and Wedge, who are dead, as a result of a heart attack*   
Link: *from audience* Bastard!   
Voice: Hmm? What did you call me?   
*Suddenly, the figure shoots out from the door and flies across the room, beating Link senseless. First several quick punches, then a boot to the head, then a hammer-hand type move across the back, and then he tosses Link into the air and blasts him with a fireball. Link falls and lands with a thud*   
Link: Ugh.   
Person: Hmph. He should show more respect.   
T.G. Cid: Is that who I think it is?   
Sephiroth: Ha ha! In the flesh!   
Kefka: He's... he's even more powerful than me... he dwarfs my power!   
Person: Please. Try to compose yourself. It's not every day you're in the presence of royalty...   
Cloud: Huh?   
Sephiroth: Why don't you introduce yourself?   
Person: I'll thank you not to tell me what to do. I'm Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyans. Now, who are these "Zodiac Braves" I'm supposed to fight?   
Altima: Eep!   
Queklain: Oh my god!   
Zalera: Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out...   
Adramelk: Think happy thoughts... think happy thoughts...   
Sephiroth: Well, that's it. It's me, Cloud, T.G. Cid, Kazuya, Kefka, Gremio, and Vegeta, against Altima, Queklain, Velius, Zalera, Adramelk, Elidibs, and Hashmalum. I guess we're ready.   
Altima: Oh, dear. This IS NOT good.   
Sephiroth: STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS!!!   
Hashmalum: I'm scared. Someone hold me! *hugs Velius*   
Velius: Ew! Get off me! I didn't want to be here to begin with! Now it turns out I'm gonna get sent to another dimension to boot! Bleah!   
Adramelk: Actually, that's just a censored translation. You'll actually die.   
Velius: Well, this is just prime!   
Sephiroth: Are you all ready?   
Dio: *walks out onto the battlefield* I hope you all are ready, because LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 12: Prepare for Trouble 

*The Gold Saucer*   
Altima: Crap! We need a plan!   
Queklain: Run!   
Altima: No, we can't run. I challenged Sephiroth to this, and I can't back out now.   
Adramelk: How about we have one-on-one battles. That way we have a chance of winning at least some of the fights.   
Altima: Good idea! I'm glad I thought of it. Now, who goes first? *points at Zalera*   
Zalera: Me?   
Altima: Thanks for volunteering! Go on!   
Zalera: Crap. *steps forward*   
Sephiroth: One-on-one matches, eh? Then, who wants to go?   
Kazuya: What the hey. I will.   
Sephiroth: Very well.   
Dio: And now, Zalera, the Bloody Angel, versus the King of Iron Fist, Kazuya Mishima!   
Kazuya: Come get some! *does half-lip grin*   
Vegeta: Hmph. He stole my grin.   
*In the crowd*   
Duke Nukem: He stole my line.   
Ash (from Army of Darkness): You stole my line.   
Duke Nukem: Suck my boomstick.   
*On the field*   
Zalera: Come on! What chu got? What chu got?   
Kazuya: Heh. *does an uppercut, followed by a grab with two kicks to the head* That's what I got.   
Zalera: *bites Kazuya* SUCK THAT DOWN!!!   
Kazuya: Ouch! You're gonna pay! *does another uppercut, followed by a massive ten hit combo*   
Zalera: Did somebody get the number on that truck? *passes out*   
Dio: *walks onto the field* The winner is, the King of Iron Fist, Kazuya Mishima! *crowd roars*   
Altima: Next!   
Adramelk: I'll go, master, sir.   
Sephiroth: Good luck, Gremio.   
Dio: Adramelk the... Lucavi, versus Gremio the... Suikoden guy. *leaves*   
Adramelk: I can win this! Just gotta think positive! I... gotta believe!   
Gremio: *draws his axe* 

It takes seven little demons, to make a demon pie.   
Nothing like the sound when you hear a demon cry.   
I might use a gun... 

Cloud: No! 

Gremio: I might use an axe... 

Sephiroth: Yes! 

Gremio: Gremio's in town, come and get your demon snacks!   
*In the crowd*   
Cleo: Young Master, sir, did you just see Gremio's mad rhyming skillz?   
*On the field*   
Adramelk: *screams* AAAAARRGGGGHHHH!!!!   
Vegeta: Hmph. His power level is weak. Barely above 100.   
Sephiroth: Huh?   
Vegeta: His fighting power. It's weak.   
Sephiroth: How do you know? He hasn't even made a move.   
Vegeta: I used this. *tosses Sephiroth a scouter*   
Sephiroth: What's this?   
Vegeta: Put it on, then click the button on the side.   
Sephiroth: *puts on the scouter* Cool! *looks at Cloud* Wow, Cloud, that's a pretty high power level there!   
Cloud: I guess.   
Sephiroth: *looks at T.G. Cid* Good God! *looks at Altima* Bwa ha ha ha!!!!   
Altima: What's he laughting about?   
Sephiroth: Hey, Vegeta... what's my power level?   
Vegeta: Hmm... quite high. Are you a Saiyan?   
Sephiroth: I don't think so. My dad was a quack, my mom was a recluse, and I have alien cells inside me.   
Vegeta: Oh. Hmph.   
Adramelk: BRING IT ON!!!!   
Gremio: *rushes at Adramelk with his axe* ARGH!   
Adramelk: Yi! *runs away*   
Gremio: Come back here! I'll teach you to toss spores at me! Stupid !@#$ing spores! *chases Adramelk*   
Adramelk: What are you talking about?!   
T.G. Cid: I sense a lot of pent-up anger.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Adramelk: *trips and crawls into a corner* Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap...   
Gremio: Prepare to DIE!!!! *raises his axe*   
Adramelk: I give! I give up!   
Gremio: There will be no giving up!   
Sephiroth: Gremio, let him go. You won.   
Gremio: What? I don't know what seized me there. *helps Adramelk up* I'm quite sorry. Oh, dear.   
Dio: *walks onto the field* And the winner, Gremio!   
Altima: That's two down. Five more chances... Queklain, get in there!   
Queklain: Yes, sir. *goes in slowly*   
Sephiroth: Who wants a chance?   
Kefka: Oh, ooh, me, me!   
Sephiroth: Have fun.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Dio: And now, Queklain the Hutt-   
Queklain: I AM NOT A HUTT!   
Dio: -against Kefka the Clown.   
Kefka: I AM NOT A CLOWN! *blasts Dio*   
Dio: Yeouch! *crawls off*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! Let's go, tubby!   
Queklain: What's that behind you?   
Kefka: Huh? *turns around*   
Queklain: *hits Kefka with Petrify* TAKE THAT!   
Kefka: I'm frozen...   
Queklain: Aha! *draws back and prepares to hit Kefka, then swings*   
Kefka: *catches Queklain's hand* Naughty, naughty. I'm a boss and can't be Petrified. Think it over... *tosses Queklain across the arena* ...in traction! *blasts Queklain with the Light of Judgement*   
Queklain: YEOUCH! HUTT SOUP! *passes out*   
Dio: *returns* And the winner, Kefka the Clown!   
Kefka: I AM NOT A CLOWN! *blasts Dio again*   
Altima: Crap. Next. Go, Velius.   
Velius: Ah, crap. *trudges onto the field*   
Sephiroth: Go on, Cloud.   
Cloud: Uh, hi, Velius.   
Dio: Velius the Lucavi against Cloud Strife, the No-Limit SOLDIER! *leaves*   
Velius: Just so you know, I'm trying to reform. I don't want to do this, but Altima made me.   
Cloud: I guess that's kinda bad.   
Altima: Velius! Get to work!   
Velius: Well, good luck.   
Cloud: Uh, yeah, I guess. You, too.   
Velius: *sigh* Cyclops!   
Vegeta: He's pretty powerful. The only enemy we actually have to worry about.   
Cloud: *chops up on Cyclops* This is okay, I guess.   
Sephiroth: Poor kid. He's a nice guy, but has the personality of a rock.   
Velius: Dark Holy!   
Cloud: Ouch. This is kind of... unpleasant.   
Velius: *begins punching Cloud* Sorry, kid. No hard feelings...   
Cloud: This... hurts! I'm starting to get... angry... what's this feeling? My eyes are burning, my hands are numb... AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! *lays into Velius with the Omnislash*   
Vegeta: What a power level!   
Velius: ARGH! *falls down* You've... beaten me...   
Cloud: Huh? *calms down* Oh, yeah. Are you okay?   
Velius: I don't want to be a Lucavi. I want to be human again...   
Altima: Velius, you slacker!   
T.G. Cid: Altima, shut your pie hole!   
Velius: If only... I could change back...   
Cloud: But who can do that?   
*The Door Ex Machina opens*   
Voice: I can.   
Cloud: Who are you?   
Voice: I will right wrongs and triumph over evil. I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!   
Cloud: Me?   
Sailor Moon: Well, not necessarily you, but evil-doers.   
Cloud: Oh.   
Velius: You can... change me... back?   
Sailor Moon: Sure can. MOON... SCEPTER... ELIMINATION!!!!   
Velius: I feel... human... *returns to normal*   
Sailor Moon: Well, my job is done. *leaves*   
Wiegraf: Altima... you're gonna pay!   
Altima: You want some of this, big boy? Well, right here I am, big man! Come get ya a piece!   
Wiegraf: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds... HOLY EXPLOSION!!!! *hits Altima with Holy Explosion*   
Altima: YEOUCH!   
Dio: *walks onto the field* And the winner, Cloud Strife! Who's next?   
Altima: Elidibs... get out there.   
Elidibs: Rightio, sir!   
Sephiroth: Vegeta...   
Vegeta: Hmph. I'm not your dog.   
Delita: *from the crowd* That's my line!   
Vegeta: Hmph. *blasts Delita*   
Dio: Elidibs versus the Prince of the Saiya-jins, Vegeta! *leaves*   
Vegeta: Your power level is weak. You cannot possibly defeat me.   
Elidibs: You're probably right. So let's go! Live, know, become a frog!   
Vegeta: Status anomilies don't work in Dragonball Z. *punches Elidibs rapidly, then blasts him away*   
Elidibs: Zodiac!   
Vegeta: *blasts the spell* YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE... MY WRATH!!!!   
Elidibs: Looks like I'll have to use my hands... *swings at Vegeta, who catches his hand and jumps behind his back, then grabs his other hand and pulls it back as well*   
Vegeta: Heh.   
Elidibs: OUCH!   
Vegeta: You see, doughboy, I'm a Saiyan. The stronger my opponent is, then the stronger I become, therefore, you can never defeat my superior fighting power. So come on, big fella, give it a try!   
Elidibs: I GIVE! I GIVE!   
Vegeta: THERE WILL BE NO BREAKS!   
Sephiroth: Vegeta, come on...   
Vegeta: *releases Elidibs* Consider yourself lucky, you circus freak. I guess you weren't so tough after all...   
Dio: *comes onto the field* And the winner, Vegeta, Prince of the Saiya-jins!   
Vegeta: Hmph.   
*In the crowd*   
Edward: Gogo, they're going to lose.   
Gogo: What do you expect? They suck.   
Edward: Well, yeah. But I've got a plan. Come on! *gets up and leaves*   
Gogo: Eh. *leaves with Edward*   
Altima: I guess it's up to you, Hashmalum.   
Hashmalum: Oh, dear.   
Sephiroth: T.G. Cid...   
T.G. Cid: Good! Some fighting!   
Dio: Next, Hashmalum versus Thundergod Cid! *leaves*   
Hashmalum: What's you got, Cid?   
T.G. Cid: Lightning Stab!   
Hashmalum: ARGH! *falls down*   
T.G. Cid: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds... HOLY EXPLOSION!   
Hashmalum: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! *passes out*   
T.G. Cid: Is that all?   
Dio: *returns* The winner... is... uh... T.G. Cid.   
T.G. Cid: That was easy.   
Hashmalum: Goo...   
Altima: Crap. Now it's up to me!   
Sephiroth: Let's rock.   
Dio: And next, we have, Altima the Holy Angel, the Son of God, allegedly-   
Altima: Hey!   
Dio: Versus the One-Winged Angel, the No-Limit SOLDIER, the best there is, was, and ever will be, SEPHIROTH! *the crowd roars*   
Sephiroth: Thank you, thank you. I will be signing autographs after the show.   
Dio: Let's... GET IT ON! *leaves* 

To be continued... 

Chapter 13: One-Winged SOLDIER, Back in Action 

*The Gold Saucer*   
Altima: Oh, crud, oh, crud... think fast! What am I gonna do?   
Elidibs: Surrender?   
Altima: SILENCE! I can't do that! I'll look like a fool!   
Hashmalum: Die?   
Altima: Shut up!   
Sephiroth: Yo, pretty boy, time to go...   
Altima: *gulp* What do you have? *steps up*   
Sephiroth: *steps up* I'll show you. *draws Masamune*   
Altima: Ha ha ha! But to fight me... you must... fight them!   
Sephiroth: Who?   
Altima: THEM! *plants some seeds in the ground, then waters them*   
Sephiroth: Huh?   
Altima: Ha ha ha! Watch!   
*Four tiny green plant-like creatures come up out of the ground*   
Creature 1: Saiba! Saiba!   
Sephiroth: Eh. *slices one of them down*   
Creatures: Saiba! Saiba!   
Vegeta: Hmph. Saiba-men. *flies onto the field* Attention!   
Creatures: Saiba! Saiba!   
Vegeta: *blasts one of them* I said attention!   
Creatures: Saiba?   
Vegeta: Good! Now, go defeat the earthlings!   
Creatures: Saiba! Saiba! *go into the Door Ex Machina*   
Vegeta: Hmph. *flies back with the others*   
Altima: Crap! Okay, now for my next trick, I'll make you all...   
Kefka: *whips out his cell phone* Mr. Cochran? Yes sir, we have a clear cut case of copyright infringement!   
Altima: Uh... I mean, Pokéball, go! *tosses a pokéball. A small fish comes out and flops on the floor*   
Fish: Karp! Karp! Magikarp!   
Sephiroth: What the-?   
Altima: Behold, the king of carp! Magikarp!   
Sephiroth: Gah!   
Magikarp: Karp! Karp!   
Sephiroth: Well, if it really wants to die... *readies Masamune*   
Voice: Oh, he's sooooo cute!   
Sephiroth: Huh? *notices a girl* Who are you?   
Girl: I'm Azusa Shiratori, and I want him! *points to Magikarp* He's so cute!   
Magikarp: Karp! Karp!   
Altima: You can't have him! He's mine!   
Girl: *whap* He's MINE!!! *takes Magikarp and walks off.   
Altima: DANG IT!   
Sephiroth: Sorry. It looks like you have to fight your own battles.   
Altima: Very well! De-barrier!   
Sephiroth: I haven't even put up a barrier.   
Altima: D'oh!   
Sephiroth: Well... see ya! *slices Altima*   
Altima: Yeouch! No more Mr. Nice Guy! *strikes Sephiroth*   
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha ha!!! Pathetic! Now check out my Jenova Synthesis combo! *lays into Altima with a devastating combo*   
Altima: Ugh... too much power... only... hope... Mystery Summon!   
Audience: *gasp!*   
Altima: Microwave oven and witches' coven! I call upon a mystery guest! *puff of smoke. A gigantic demon appears*   
Demon: I AM DIABLO!!! WHO HAS SUMMONED ME?   
Sephiroth: That's it. Too many caps. You're going down. *pulls out Magic 8-Ball of Death* Heh heh. Meteor!   
*Diablo is hit by a huge meteor and disintegrates*   
Altima: Crap... not over... yet... Mystery Summon! *a martial artist appears*   
Martial Artist: I am Akuma. I seek battle. I crave battle. Who will battle with me?   
Vegeta: Hmph. A decent power level... this should be fun... heh heh.   
Akuma: You dare to challenge me? Puny mortal... your chi will be mine!   
Vegeta: *dashes over and starts punching on Akuma in the sky* I don't think so! You can never defeat my awesome power, you spikey-haired freak!   
Cloud: Hey!   
Gremio: I think he meant Akuma.   
Cloud: Oh. Hmph.   
Akuma: What a power!   
Vegeta: You're so right! *sends Akuma into, and through, a wall, then flies out after him*   
Akuma: Cannot... steal... chi...   
Vegeta: I'm just too powerful! And I haven't even shown you my true power yet!   
Akuma: True... power?   
Vegeta: YES! ARGH!!! *goes Super Saiyan* You can never defeat my awesome power! Ha ha ha ha! And now you die!   
Akuma: No... can't die here...   
Vegeta: *flies up into the air, then slams Akuma down, hard* Now it's time for you to go... TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! *blasts Akuma to dust*   
Altima: Crap!   
Sephiroth: Care to go one more time?   
Altima: No... power... but I'll... be back...   
*In audience*   
Arnold: He stole my line... ugh, head hurts.   
Vicks: Maybe it's a tumor.   
Arnold: It's not a tuma!   
*On field*   
Altima: I'll see you again, Sephiroth! For now, enjoy this! Mystery summon! *a large demon-looking thing appears* See ya!*does FFT disappearing spell, along with the rest of his crew*   
Demon-looking Thing: Sephiroth, Cloud... long time, no see. Care to go a few rounds?   
Seph and Cloud: Django!   
*Meanwhile*   
Emerald Weapon: I'm so lonely... *sigh*   
*In a sub*   
Gogo: Where's he at?   
Edward: I don't know! He's supposed to be at the bottom of the ocean somewhere.   
Emerald Weapon: Ooh! Time to fight!   
Edward: Yah!   
Emerald Weapon: *opens his fin cannons* Better get ready... to bow to the masters! Break it   
down!   
Gogo: Wait!   
Edward: It's us!   
Emerald Weapon: Huh? Oh, you guys! Hi! How are you? You came to see me!   
Edward: Yes... but now we need you to do us a favor...   
Emerald Weapon: Name it...   
Edward: Gya ha ha ha ha ha!!!   
*In the arena*   
Django: Looks like it's one more time, you spikey-headed jerk!   
Cloud: Stop calling me that!   
*In audience*   
Yuffie: Rip-offs... 

To be continued... 

Chapter 14: God Bless the Ring 

*The Gold Saucer*   
*Seph and Cloud are dodging and fighting with Django, and no one has an advantage*   
Django: Ha ha ha! Your lame combos are no match for me, Cloud.   
Sephiroth: Perhaps. But can you defeat my MAD SKILLZ?   
Django: You skills are great indeed, but you are not a Jedi yet.   
Sephiroth: *raises his arms* I will become one with the Planet. *vanishes*   
Django: Where'd he go?   
Cloud: You should be concerned with me.   
Cid: *from the audience* STOP SAYIN' IT LIKE A FREAKIN' WUSS!   
Cloud: I mean, BRING IT ON!   
Django: *snaps at Cloud* Come on! You want this sword? Come and get it!   
*Suddenly, "Those Chosen by the Planet" starts to play*   
Cloud: Uh-oh.   
Django: Oh, crap.   
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha! *dives down and runs Django through*   
Cloud: Ouch.   
Sephiroth: *withdraws his sword* He was weak. It was his destiny to fall.   
Cloud: You're starting to creep me out again.   
Django: You... evil... son-of-a... *dies*   
Sephiroth: Man, these guys are pathetic. Why do we keep getting harassed?   
Cloud: I dunno.   
Django: *gets up* Ha ha ha ha!!! You can never defeat me! You don't have the two swords!   
Cloud: Two swords?   
Sephiroth: It would appear to take the blade we need two swords to kill him with.   
Cloud: But where are they?   
Sephiroth: I wonder...? Do you see those two boxes, next to the Door Ex Machina?   
Cloud: Yeah.   
Django: D'oh.   
Sephiroth: Let's go!   
Django: You'll have to go through me!   
Cloud: Let's go. *runs at Django, slices him in the face, and jumps over him, landing next to one of the boxes*   
Django: Crap! No matter! You can't get through me, Sephiroth!   
Sephiroth: I don't have to. *teleports, and appears next to one of the boxes* Heh heh. *shoves the box into Django, knocking him back and breaking the box*   
Django: Crap!   
*In the audience*   
Rafa: Oh, Cloud and Sephiroth are soooooo sexy...   
Malak: Hello? They're the enemy! They beat the crap out of us...   
Rafa: I don't care! *bangs Malak in the head* Malak no baka!   
Malak: Ouch! I didn't realize this was an anime!   
*On the battlefield*   
Cloud: Oooh, fun! *pushes the other box into Django, breaking it as well*   
Django: You'll never get these swords.   
Sephiroth: *picks up a sword* Shut up. *tosses it at Django*   
Django: UGH! *falls down*   
Cloud: *picks the other one up* My mom... Tifa... my hometown... give it back! *stabs Django with it*   
Django: Ugh... I... die... *dies*   
Sephiroth: That was easy. Now where's the sword?   
Cloud: Here it is. *picks up a sword*   
Sephiroth: What? *reads* Masamune blade... made in Taiwan? DIO!   
Dio: Tee hee... *runs*   
Sephiroth: Well, this sucks.   
Cloud: I've just got one question. How did Altima get the Zodiac Stones?   
*Red XIII comes in*   
Red: Cloud, I... *huff, puff* ran all the way here... the guy that got the stones... *huff, puff* it was...   
Voice: ME!   
Cloud: Not... you!   
Sephiroth: You!   
Audience: Him! *gasps*   
Red: Damn! Stealing my thunder! Do I have any use whatsoever in these stories? *sigh* *walks off*   
Vicks: I found a quarter under my chair! *falls out of his chair and breaks his neck*   
Wedge: He'll never laugh, or cry, or get angry... *is hit on the head by a boulder*   
Mog: Kupo! They just killed Vicks and Wedge!   
Ramsus: You bastards!   
*On the battlefield*   
Guy: Yes... it was me...   
Cloud: I can't believe it.   
Guy: Yes... HOJO!   
Sephiroth: HOJO!   
Hojo: It was all a part of my hideous plan to take over Shinra Inc.! Bwa ha ha ha!!!   
Barret: Them damn Shinra!   
Cait Sith: Y'all be messing with Shinra, Inc., and I'll be laying the smack down!   
Rufus: This won't do. Turks!   
Rude: Boss, yesh?   
Rufus: Huh?   
Reno: Wesh thought we's was on vacation.   
Rufus: Huh? Are you...?   
Elena: They're drunk, sir.   
Rufus: Crap. I guess I'll have to go bust a cap in Hojo myself then. *draws his shotgun*   
Hojo: None of you can stop me! Not when I drink... THIS! *holds up a potion*   
Audience: *gasp*   
Rufus: Are those... Jenova cells?   
Hojo: Worse! A grape squishee from the convenience store around the corner!   
Cloud: NO!   
Sephiroth: Good god, man, you can't be serious!   
Hojo: Yes, my son, I'm serious! I will become a god!   
Sephiroth: I'm not your son, you freak.   
Hojo: Yes, you are... tell him, Cloud.   
Cloud: Uh... well...   
Sephiroth: IS THIS TRUE?!   
Cloud: Kinda... tee hee...   
Sephiroth: Oh, god! It's coming on now! I feel a killing spree welling up inside me!   
Cloud: Crap.   
Sephiroth: Oh, yeah! Awwwww yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh! And it starts with... you! *points at Hojo*   
Hojo: Son, you can't be serious!   
Sephiroth: Oh, but I am. Deadly serious. *draws the Masamune*   
Hojo: Fine. Then it looks like I'm gonna have to give you a spanking. *drinks the squishee*   
Sephiroth: Bring it on, you old geezer.   
*In the audience*   
Strago: Young whipper-snappers today got no respect.   
Relm: Shut up, you old goat. I'll put you in a home.   
Strago: *sigh*   
*On the battlefield...*   
Sephiroth: Time for you to pay for how you treated me as a child.   
Hojo: You're a lousy excuse for a son. You made all those damn A-minuses! After how hard I made you study! And you couldn't even take over the world! How pathetic! Even Kefka could do that.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Sephiroth: There you go comparing me to everyone. Oh, yeah... I feel a major killing spree coming on now... this whole place is going up in smoke!   
Vegeta: That's my line!   
Sephiroth: DEAL WITH IT!!!   
Vegeta: ...geez... chill...   
Hojo: Come on, son! Let's see what you've got!   
Sephiroth: I'm going to enjoy this. *jumps and slices Hojo*   
Hojo: Wow... that kinda... hurt... *falls over*   
Sephiroth: NO! He can't be dead already! That didn't last long enough! I didn't enjoy that enough!   
Hojo: Ouch... I think... I'm gonna die...   
Sephiroth: Damn.   
Cloud: Uh... I think someone should get him an ambulance...   
Sephiroth: I'm fine.   
Cloud: I meant Hojo.   
Sephiroth: Yes! Heal him, then I can slice him again! Ha ha ha ha!!!   
Cloud: That's kind of cruel.   
Sephiroth: He deserves it. Besides, it's either that, or I torch this place and start killing young girls.   
Cloud: Sorry, Hojo. I tried.   
Hojo: I'm sorry... son... I never even... took you to a ball game...   
Sephiroth: Hmph. You're not getting out of it that easily. When you heal, I'm coming looking for you. Take him away.   
*Ambulance workers take Hojo away*   
Cloud: Eh. It just- *a tremor* What was that?   
Rufus: Geez, what now?   
Sephiroth: I felt it too... *runs to the window* What the hell?   
Cloud: It's... the Emerald Weapon... and the Ruby Weapon...   
*Outside*   
Edward: *riding on the Emerald Weapon with Gogo* Yes! Trash it! Ha ha ha!!!   
Emerald: It feels good to be evil again! Ha ha ha! *smacks the Gold Saucer*   
Ruby: Yes! Back in action!   
*Inside*   
Sephiroth: I've got to do something about this... Hey, Kefka...   
Kefka: Yes? Vwee hee hee!   
Sephiroth: Help me.   
Kefka: What's in it for me?   
Sephiroth: Uh... cake?   
Kefka: YES!   
Sephiroth: Vegeta, you help out too.   
Vegeta: Hmph. I'm not your dog.   
Sephiroth: I guess you don't want to fight against two overwhelmingly strong opponents, then?   
Vegeta: Um... okay. But I do it my way!   
Sephiroth: All right... Let's go.   
*Outside*   
Edward: Ha ha ha! This is great! I'm such a better leader than Altima!   
Gogo: This is pretty good! Who can defeat us?   
Voice: Sorry to interrupt the party, but I think we can.   
Edward: Sephiroth! Time for a rematch! And this time, I brought backup!   
Ruby: You can never defeat us, Sephiroth!   
Sephiroth: On the contrary, I think it is you who can never defeat me! And I too brought backup!   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Vegeta: Bring it on, big boy!   
Emerald: Uh... can we beat these guys?   
Gogo: N-   
Edward: Yeah... sure... hee hee...   
Gogo: Oh, god.   
Ruby: Then let's get it on! 

To be continued... 

Chapter 15: Finale II, or, Oh, My Hero... 

Emerald: He... he can't beat us! We're the Weapons!   
Sephiroth: *checks his scouter* Ha ha ha! On the contrary, I feel differently!   
Gogo: Um, maybe we should reconsider. He does have MAD SKILLZ...   
Edward: Don't be foolish! I must have my revenge! Besides, it's the Weapons. What could go wrong?   
Gogo: Don't ask.   
Sephiroth: *draws Masamune* If you honestly think you can beat us, then come on.   
Ruby: Wait! I've got a better idea! *whispers in Emerald's ear*   
Edward: What? What is it?   
Emerald: Not so fast, Sephiroth!   
Sephiroth: Hm?   
Ruby: Yes. We challenge you... to a singing contest!   
Edward: What?! No! That's ludicrous! Crush him!   
Ruby: The WeaponZ be gonna bust some mad rhymz on you!   
Sephiroth: Uh-huh. Well, I guess I'll have to rap. You guys wanna back me up?   
Vegeta: Hmph. I refuse to be a part of this foolishness.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! Fire! Burn everything! *catches Palmer on fire*   
Sephiroth: No? Then I guess I'll have to wax these two myself.   
Emerald: Bring it on wich your mad rhyming skillz!   
Ruby: Don't start nuthin', won't be nuthin'!   
Sephiroth: Whatever. I demand that you go first.   
Ruby: Aw yeah, better recognize!   
*Inside*   
Barret: Them fools can't be speakin' Ebonics!   
*Outside*   
Emerald: Let's bust some mad lyricz!   
Ruby: Here we go! Hit it! *music starts* 

Ev'rywhere I look the sun is shining   
But it's always raining here inside   
I can see, you really had a hold on me   
It's a mean old love with a flame that never dies 

Ruby and Emerald: 

Won't you tell me why   
I can't say goodbye 

Emerald: 

Everywhere I go your in my shadow   
When I turn around there's no one there   
And it's a real bad sign   
I'm walking on a real thin line   
A fool in love with a fool that never cared 

Ruby and Emerald: 

Won't you tell me why   
I can't say goodbye   
Won't you tell me why 

Ruby: 

Ask anyone you know   
And they'll say love fades away   
But this hearts cryin' just like yesterday 

And it's a real bad sign   
I'm walking on a real thin line   
A fool in love with a fool that never cared 

Ruby and Emerald: 

Won't you tell me why   
I can't say goodbye   
Won't you tell me why   
I can't say goodbye   
*music stops* 

Ruby: Yes!   
Emerald: Here it for the boyz!   
Sephiroth: Please. That was pathetic! And country?! I thought you were gonna bust some "mad rhymz?"   
Ruby: Let's hear you do better!   
Emerald: Yeah!   
Sephiroth: Fine. I have no backup... but fine. Hit the music! *music starts* Ahem... 

Wishing on a dream that seems far off   
Hoping it will come today 

Into the starlit night,   
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze,   
Waiting on a shooting star. 

But, what if that star is not to come?   
Will their dreams fade to nothing?   
When the horizon darkens most,   
We all need to believe there is hope. 

Is an angel watching closely over me?   
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?   
I know my heart should guide me, but,   
There's a hole inside my soul. 

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?   
Am I to be satisfied without knowing? 

I wish, then, for a chance to see,   
Now all I need, 

Vegeta: Hmph.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!   
Sephiroth: Desperately, 

Is my star to come?   
Ruby: ...   
Emerald: ...   
Edward: ...he... won...   
Gogo: ...he... sung...   
Emerald: We... lost...   
Sephiroth: Thank you, thank you, I will be signing autographs after the show.   
*Inside*   
Lamer: I'm gonna put this leet wav on my website!   
Worker 8: I will put schlong.jpg on my website.   
*Outside*   
Sephiroth: Any other foolish challenges, or have I humiliated you enough?   
Ruby: Just one! I challenge you to die! *smashes into Gold Saucer*   
Sephiroth: *flies up* How droll.   
Vegeta: Hot damn! A battle! *flies up to Sephiroth*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! Destruction! *flies up to Vegeta and Sephiroth*   
Emerald: Take this! *opens shoulder cannons and fires at the group*   
*Smoke clears to show that Vegeta put up a chi shield and that they are all unharmed*   
Vegeta: Kinda made me tingle... heh heh...   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! *hits Ruby Weapon with the Light of Judgement*   
Sephiroth: Super NOV-   
Voice: Not so fast!   
Sephiroth: Huh? *looks down to see the Proud Clod*   
Rufus: Shinra Inc. will take care of this! Proud Clod go! It's morphing time!   
*Parts start flying in from all over to connect with Proud Clod - a Shinra sub, the Gelnika 2, parts of Carry Armor, and the Sister Ray*   
Rufus: Let's go! *does elaborate hand signal*   
Heidegger: Go!   
Reeve: Go!   
Scarlet: Go!   
Rufus: Powering up! All systems go!   
Vegeta: *checks his scouter* Hm... perhaps I should destroy them too...   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! *hits Proud Clod with the Light of Judgement*   
Rufus: You fool!   
Emerald: Oh, for Pete's sake... *flicks the Proud Clod off into the sky*   
Rufus: Looks like Shinra Inc.'s blasting off agaaaaaaaaain!   
Ruby: Now! Ruby Ray! *hits Sephiroth with Ruby Ray*   
Sephiroth: You son-of-a... SUPER NOVA! *Super Nova animation starts*   
*Hours later*   
Ruby: ARGH!   
Emerald: ARGH!   
Sephiroth: No one escapes Super Nova!   
Vegeta: Let me show you how it's done! *stretches his arms out* FINAL FLASH! *plows a Final Flash right through the Ruby Weapon*   
Ruby: Arghggghhhhhhhhh... am I... dying...? *dies*   
Emerald: Holy cow!   
Sephiroth: Your pitiful power levels cannot match ours...   
Emerald: You may be right... but I'll be back! For now... take this! *blasts a hole in the Gold Saucer, then dives in the water*   
Edward: Help! We can't swim!   
Gogo: Help!   
*Back at the Gold Saucer*   
Dio: *hanging out of the hole in the Gold Saucer* HELP ME!!!   
Cloud: Stay there! I'll help! *grabs Dio's arm*   
Vicks: This whole place is going down!   
Wedge: Agreed! Let's run!   
Cid: What the !@#$ are we gonna do?!   
Barret: Them damn Shinra! What about Marlene?!   
Cait Sith: I suggest we make a hasty retreat!   
Yuffie: I am soooooooo sick!   
Vincent: Now would be a time to leave this towering inferno... *flies off*   
Loudspeaker: "Attention! This is Elena of the Turks! Please evacuate in a calm and orderly fashion!" "Hey, Rude, this is coooool!" "Reno! Stop photocopying your butt!"   
*People evacuate*   
Sephiroth: Is that everyone?   
Tifa: I think so.   
*Gold Saucer collapses*   
Dio: My... Gold Saucer... gone...? *sobs on Mukki's shoulder*   
Mukki: Oh, honey! *sigh* There, there!   
Red XIII: It would appear everyone escaped.   
Aeris: Wait... where's Cloud?   
Tifa: Cloud?! Cloud!   
Sephiroth: Cloud's not here? He must be... in the wreckage. We should look for him. *flies off to a   
distant part of the wreckage*   
Tifa: Everyone, look!   
Aeris: Cloud! Cloud! Where are you?   
Barret: Spikey-headed foo'?! Where you be?   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! *blasts on Palmer*   
Vegeta: *tossing through pieces of wreckage* Why am I helping? And more importantly, how do I get back if the Door Ex Machina is trashed?   
Krin: You'll have to stay around the video game dimensions! Hee hee! Help me steal Kirinji!   
Vegeta: *blasts Krin*   
*Elsewhere*   
Sephiroth: Cloud! *tosses through wreckage* Where are you at? Cloud? *tosses aside a piece of wreckage* CLOUD!   
Cloud: ...   
Sephiroth: *listens to Cloud's chest* He's not breathing... um... someone, anyone here... know mouth-to-mouth?! *no one is around* Come on! Anyone?! *no answer* Oh... lord... *sigh*   
Sephiroth: *attempts to give Cloud mouth-to-mouth* Come on... come on... breathe, damn you, breathe!   
Cloud: *coughs* Wha-? Huh? What's going on?   
Sephiroth: Are you okay?   
Cloud: Huh? Why were you... kissing me? Are you... my boyfriend?   
Sephiroth: ...   
Cloud: What's going on?   
Sephiroth: What? You must have been hit on the head pretty hard!   
Cloud: Who are you? Did you just save my life?   
Sephiroth: It's me... Sephiroth. What's wrong with you?   
Cloud: Do I know you?   
Sephiroth: Can't you remember anything?   
Cloud: I... don't think so...   
Sephiroth: Uh-oh. 

End Suckiness Saga II


End file.
